HOWARD. Want some chicken that came over with Columbus?

(JIM shakes his head and waves HOWARD off.)

(HOWARD
puts the Tupperware back in fridge and takes out the bottle of juice that he originally had. Closes fridge and takes two glasses out of the cupboard. He pours two glasses of juice. While he is doing this, JIM walks to the window and looks out.)

HOWARD. (Walks up behind JIM with the two glasses.) Like my window? (JIM turns to him and smiles. HOWARD offers a glass. JIM takes it makes the "Cheers" sign, sips, and looks back out the window.)

HOWARD. I love my window. (Takes a sip.) Actually though, I've got two windows.

(JIM slowly looks around the room. HOWARD points up and smiles.)

HOWARD. Skylight. I can watch the moon through it when I lie in bed at night. I put it in myself a few years ago. I'm a pretty good carpenter.

JIM. Yeah. I remember that from back when we were kids.

HOWARD. Our tree house?

JIM. (Chuckling in remembrance.) Double-decker. Had a porch too, remember?

HOWARD. Uh-huh. Until Tubby MacGregor stepped out on it. (Shakes his head.) All that work shot! I could have killed him.

JIM. The fall just about did.

(They both laugh.)

HOWARD. Well, he deserved it.

(JIM looks down and examines the potted plants on the window sill.)

JIM. You’ve got a green thumb, eh Howie?

HOWARD . (Sitting on bed.) Only for cacti. I kill every other kind of plant. They need so much water!

(They both laugh.)

HOWARD. But I do like a fine cactus. Did you know that there are over 100 varieties? And they are all loners. The soil they need is too dry for anything else to grow in. So they grow all alone, with their minimal needs. Prickly little devils, but they are survivors.

JIM. Well, you don’t have to be Fellini to figure out your attraction to them.

(HOWARD smiles and nods.)

HOWARD. So, what’s going on with you, Jim?

JIM. (Walks around the room, noticing all of the books.) Nothing much. Taught school for a while. Moved to Maine. Farmed for a while. Got married. Got divorced. Got two kids. And I moved back to town about a month ago.

HOWARD. Got a job?

JIM. Begin teaching again in the fall. What about you?

HOWARD. Never been married. Never been divorced. Never had kids. Never moved to Maine, and never taught school. But I’ve got a job.

JIM. Carpenter?

HOWARD. Heck no. You’ve got to go outside for that. (Points to desk) Telemarketing.

JIM. Really?

HOWARD. Yeah. I’m real good at bothering people at supper time or getting them out of the shower. Hey, it pays the rent… That is, it will pay the rent if my mom ever makes good on her threats and actually starts charging me.

JIM. Why telemarketing?

HOWARD. It’s not so bad. I make about fifty calls a night. Some buy. Most don’t. I play a game with myself, and I keep score from week to week. Two points if I interrupt somebody’s dinner. Five points if I get them out of the shower. Ten points if I wake them up. I once called a woman during her husband’s home funeral. I figured that that was worth fifty points. Don’t you think?

(JIM smiles and shakes his head in disbelief.)

HOWARD. What the heck was she doing answering the phone anyway?

(They both laugh.)

JIM. Forgive me for saying so, but isn’t that a waste of your talents? I mean, don’t you want to go out there and conquer something? Feel good about yourself?

HOWARD. (Stands up and goes to the window.) That’s being a bit presumptuous, don’t you think? Who says I don’t feel good about myself?

JIM. You just sounded a little bitter before, that’s all.

HOWARD. Bitter? That wasn’t bitter. That was a mind game. An attempt to amuse.

JIM. Howie…

HOWARD. And who the heck wants to conquer anything anyhow? The last one to conquer the world was Alexander The Great. Hitler tried and failed. So did Napoleon. So did George Steinbrenner. Oh sure, Steinbrenner finally bought his conquest with billions of dollars, but is that really winning?

JIM. You always hated the Yankees.

HOWARD. (Getting agitated) That’s a lie. That’s just your perception. And, if you must know, I do feel good about myself. Not everyone has to overcome obstacles, you know. Sometimes it’s okay just to give in or give up.

JIM. Relax Howie.

HOWARD. Do you remember the time we tried to get that perfect apple off of your grandmother’s tree?

JIM (Thinking )Oh yeah! We must have been eight or nine years old.

HOWARD. We were eleven. That apple was gorgeous – huge and red, and it was way the heck up there in the small branches, remember?

JIM (Nods) I climbed up there to get it. It was high and way out on the end of a limb.

HOWARD. And what happened?

JIM. The branch broke.

HOWARD. And the apple, the branch and you fell about fifteen feet to the ground.

JIM. I broke my arm.

HOWARD. I ate the apple.

JIM. You did? You never told me that.

(HOWARD walks back to the chair and sits.)

HOWARD. Jim, it had worms. You broke your arm for nothing.

JIM. I got the apple.

HOWARD. No you didn’t. I did. And you spent the next eight weeks in a cast. The apple wasn’t worth it.

JIM. But I felt good about myself.

HOWARD. You cried. And then you whined about the cast itching for eight weeks! I remember because I felt bad for you and let you win at Monopoly almost every afternoon for two months.

JIM. You didn’t let me win.

HOWARD. Okay.

JIM. (Taking a deep breath and collecting himself.) So, you’d rather sit around here all day doing nothing?

HOWARD. Who says I do nothing? (He points to the stereo.) I listen to music. (Opens his arms to the bookshelf) I read. (Points to the desk) I write. (Points to pictures on the wall.) I paint. (Points to the phone.) I work.

JIM. But you stay cooped up in here almost all of the time. I’d go crazy.

HOWARD. Yes. You would. (with affected arrogance) But I’ve conquered that. (Laughs)

JIM. Okay. Okay. You got me.

HOWARD. Yes. I got you. And believe me, my days are full! My life is full!

JIM. That’s a little hard to believe.

HOWARD. Let me ask you a few questions. Did you have breakfast today?

JIM. Yes.

HOWARD. (thumping his chest) So did I.

JIM. But…

HOWARD. (Holds his hand up to stop him) Did you eat lunch?

JIM. (With resignation) Yes.

HOWARD. So did I. Did you go to work today?

JIM. No…because I’m…

HOWARD. Neither did I. And I wrote a few letters, listened to some great music, ordered stuff from L.L. Bean over the phone and ironed a bunch of my clothes. What else did you do?

JIM. Oh, Howard.

HOWARD. No. Really. Answer the question!

JIM. Well…I slept late, picked up the house a little, went for a walk and came here.

HOWARD. So you didn’t climb Mount Fuji today?

JIM. No.

HOWARD. Didn’t create new software that will make Microsoft Windows obsolete?

JIM. No.

HOWARD. Didn’t write the great American novel?

JIM Howard!
HOWARD. So your life is just like mine!
JIM. (standing up) It is not!
HOWARD. (standing also) Sure it is!
JIM. Oh, for crying out loud Howie! I go places! I meet people!
HOWARD. Who did you meet today?
JIM. You!
HOWARD. And I met you! Tell me how we’re different!
JIM. You know that we’re different!
HOWARD. How?
JIM. HOWARD! You stay in here all day long! Day after day! You never meet new folks. You never EXPERIENCE things! You’ve got a lot of books here. So I imagine you read a great deal.
HOWARD. Reading’s not good, eh?
JIM. Oh Howard! Reading is good! But not when it totally replaces reality!
HOWARD. Replaces reality?
JIM. That’s right! My life is led in raw reality. I go out there and get bumped and bruised and experience life! You experience life only through all these filters that you’ve installed.
HOWARD. You’re about to get bumped and bruised right here.
JIM. Something must have hurt you badly or you to withdraw like this!
HOWARD. You’re nuts.
JIM. Am I? Tell me about it, Howard! What hurts so bad? What made you a cactus?
HOWARD. I don’t want to play this game any more.
JIM. What was it Howard? What scares you so much? Unrequited love? Fear of failure? Competition? What is it that makes you a prisoner in your own bedroom?

(HOWARD grabs JIM by the shoulders and shakes him.)

HOWARD. Shut up! Shut up! I want you to shut up!

(JIM breaks loose and backs up.)

JIM. Whoa! Take it easy there, big guy!

(HOWARD runs to the window and looks out.)

HOWARD. (weakly) I asked you to shut up.
JIM. (looking around) It’s okay, Howie. (Starts for the door.) Maybe I’d better go now.
HOWARD. (Spinning around) No! Please. Not yet. Did I hurt you? I’m sorry. Would you like some more fruit juice?

(JIM shakes his head.)

HOWARD. (Advancing to JIM) Please don’t’ go. I’m sorry. I got upset. It won’t happen again. I want you to stay.