The Cultivation Of Succulents

- Jim Hetrick.

Lights come up on a big attic bedroom. In the center of the room is a single bed with the foot facing downstage. A nightstand and floor lamp are to SL next to the bed. A big, double-hung window is behind the bed and slightly off to SR, giving the audience a clear view of it.  Potted cactus

                plants are on the sill.

                There are three doors in the room. DR is the entrance to the room from the rest of the house. UR is a walk-in closet.  DL is a full bathroom.

                There is a dresser between the two doors SR.  A small counter with a sink, microwave, toaster and mini- fridge are UL in the corner.  Cabinets are under the sink.

                Midway down SL wall, above the bathroom door is a rolltop desk and chair. UL on the back wall close to the bed is a stereo. Speakers are on the floor on either side of the bed. 

                Every other inch of wall space is covered with bookshelves filled with books and magazines. Books are also on the nightstand and the desk.

                There is a phone on the desk, and a floor lamp is just downstage of the desk.  Woven rugs are on the floor. Original and obviously amateur paintings are hung on the walls. There is an easel folded between the desk and wall. Paint supplies are on desk.

                A skylight, suggested by a baby spot during all present-day scenes, shines down on lower center stage. 

                A small knick-knack shelf is on the wall DR filled with figurines.

                The room is cluttered, but is impeccably and spotlessly clean.

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ACT ONE

Sc.1

(The stage is dark. Three short ks on a door are heard. Lights come up slowly, and we see HOWARD sitting on the bed staring blankly at the entrance door.  His hands are folded in his lap. . He is slightly overweight, and he has a pleasant appearance. He is in his late forties to early fifties. He is wearing a long-sleeved sport shirt with a collar.  It is pressed perfectly.  His pants are casual dress pants with creases and cuffs. His shoes are laced, dress, and shined. He sits on the bed rigid and straight-backed. He jumps when the knocking sounds again, but he does not respond.

                Light coming in from the window suggests late afternoon.

                The door opens slowly, just enough for JIM to stick his head into the room. He is around the same age as HOWARD. Average build and height. Not overweight. He is wearing a UCONN Basketball sweatshirt, blue jeans and sneakers.)

JIM. Hello? (Looks around and sees HOWARD.) Oh! Hello Howie!  (Steps into the room awkwardly.) I, um, I don't know if you remember me or not…I'm…

HOWARD. (Speaking matter-of-factly)You're Jim Sawczuk. (Smiles.) My high school pal. Of course I remember you. I'm crazy, not stupid. Take away the gray hair and few inches around the waist, and you're still Jim Sawczuk. (HOWARD sticks out his hand, and JIM takes it. They shake timidly.)

JIM. Man, Howie! It must be thirty years since we last saw each other!

HOWARD. Thirty-two. We graduated from St. Mary's High School in '72.

JIM. (Shaking his head.) Long time.

HOWARD. Different world then. No computers. No CD's. No video games or VCR's. No Tang or telemarketing. No Net. No answering machines.

JIM. Neil Armstrong hadn't even walked on the moon yet.

HOWARD. That's right!

JIM (Shaking his head.)  Long time.

HOWARD. Sure is.

JIM. Very long

HOWARD. (Abruptly) We’ve already established that. So what?

JIM. 'Scuse me?

HOWARD. I said, "So what?" Yes. Thirty-two years is a long time…almost a third of a century. Let's see, that's…(He calculates in his head.)…about 11,588 days, counting leap years.

JIM. (Nodding cautiously.) All right.

HOWARD. Who knows how many minutes it is.

JIM. (Looking around.) Howie, I don't understand.

HOWARD. Minutes?

JIM. No. What you're talking about.

HOWARD. (Shaking his head.) I'm talking about minutes.

JIM. (Laughs nervously.) I mean, I don't understand your point.

HOWARD. My point is, "So what?"

JIM. "So what" what?

(HOWARD laughs.)

HOWARD. So who cares how long it's been? We're here right now, and a lot has happened.

JIM. (nodding) A lot has happened.

HOWARD. I mean to us.

JIM. To us?

HOWARD. A lot has happened to us! Look at you! You've grown into a middle-aged, graying UCONN basketball fan, and I've become an overweight recluse! Achievements like this don't occur over night! They take time and effort. They need to be nurtured!

JIM. You're weird, Howie.

(They both laugh. JIM laughs nervously. HOWARD laughs with abandon.)

HOWARD. But that's not new.

JIM. No. No. It's not.

(HOWARD walks over to the desk and wheels the chair over to the bed. He then sits on the bed and offers the chair to JIM.)

HOWARD. Have a seat.

JIM. (sitting) How's everything going?

HOWARD. Why are you here?

JIM. What?

HOWARD. Why are you here?

JIM. (shifting his weight) Well, I met your mother the other…

HOWARD. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I know that, but why are you here?

JIM. I don't think I under…

(HOWARD jumps up and walks half way around the bed. He points at JIM.) You! You! You! Why are YOU here?

JIM. (getting frustrated) I was telling you! Your moth…

HOWARD. NO! She asked you. But it was YOU who decided to come.

JIM. Yes.

HOWARD. Why?

JIM. (shrugs) Well, I…

HOWARD. TRUTH!

JIM. Howard!

HOWARD. TRUTH! PLEASE!

JIM. (Hesitates, then nods) I was curious.

HOWARD (sits on bed) Curiosity. Good motivation. I can believe that. Continue.

JIM. Your mom said that she was worried about you. I hadn't seen her in years.

HOWARD. Because you moved away after high school.

JIM. (nods) That's right. And I just moved back. I met your mom in the supermarket.

HOWARD. And it was there, in that public forum, that she confided in you that I was a nutcase who spends his entire life in the attic bedroom of her house.

JIM. It wasn't like that. She said that you haven't left the house in years, and that you rarely come out of your room.

HOWARD. So you wanted to come over and see the freak.

JIM. (getting slightly angry) No. I wanted to see if I could…

HOWARD. (leaning in close to JIM.) Could what? If you could what?

JIM. If I could help.

HOWARD. Help? (laughs) Help?

JIM. (offended) Yeah. Help. Is there anything wrong with wanting help an old friend?

HOWARD. Is that what we are? Friends?

JIM. Yes.

HOWARD. I haven't seen you in over thirty years!

JIM. So? Does that mean that we're not friends?

HOWARD. (pauses and thinks) Okay. You're right. We're friends. And you came over to try to help me?

JIM. (unsure) Partially.

HOWARD. (working himself up.) That's a lie! You wanted a trip to the zoo.

JIM. That's not true.

HOWARD. Gonna buy some peanuts for the monkey?

JIM. Why are you trying to get me angry?

HOWARD. I hate you, you sanctimonious, self-righteous, holier-than-thou…

JIM.(Standing and heading for the door.) I'm out of here.

HOWARD. (Lunges to block the door.) Hold it! No! Please! I'm…I'm sorry! (Gulps air and starts to catch his breath.) I was only kidding.

JIM. Kidding?!

HOWARD. (Nodding.)Yes. Kidding. I have a warped sense of humor sometimes. I play mind games.

(JIM stops, but says nothing.)

HOWARD. (Puts his hands on JIM's shoulders.) Please Jim. I don't want you to go. Please.

JIM. (Shrugs and looks around.) All right.

HOWARD. Great! (Runs to the fridge. Opens it and begins rummaging around inside. Pulls out a bottle of apple juice.) Want some juice?

JIM. No thanks.

HOWARD. (Puts juice back and begins rummaging around some more.) Gatorade? An apple? Apricot? (He pulls out a Tupperware container and stares at it for a moment. Then he offers it to JIM.) Lentil soup? Homemade!  I could nuke it for you. Only takes 2 minutes and 15 seconds.

JIM. No thanks. No soup.

(HOWARD reaches back into the fridge and pulls out something wrapped up in plastic wrap. He opens it, sniffs it.)

HOWARD. Want some  chicken that came over with Columbus?

(JIM shakes his head and waves HOWARD off.)

(HOWARD puts the Tupperware back in fridge and takes out the bottle of juice that he originally had. Closes fridge and takes two glasses out of the cupboard. He pours two glasses of juice. While he is doing this, JIM walks to the window and looks out.)