Okay.

Somebody needs to buy Harold Camping a new calculator.

Who’s Harold Camping? He’s the 89-year-old retired civil-engineer-turned-media-evangelist who predicted that The Biblical Rapture would take place last Saturday, May 21^st.

The Rapture, for those of you who aren’t up on your superstitions, is the time when God comes a-calling with a vengeance. That’s when all the good little boys and girls will get lifted up to the clouds and then go onto the Over-The-Rainbow Land of candy canes, white robes and harp music to spend the rest of eternity in, what seems to me, the most boring “reward” one could possibly imagine! (I mean, seriously! I hate harp music! And who the Hell wants to spend the rest of Forever with a group of goody-two-shoes folks who just smilingly hang around in the clouds NOT drinking, swearing or fornicating? There’s no porn on that side of The Pearly Gates either. And no dogs or horses. You can keep it!)

When this happens to the good folks, all of us evil-doers will stay put here on Terra Firma for a few more months of hellish, zombie-like existence until we all go to the Land of the Lost to spend eternity being prodded with pitchforks while dancing barefoot on hot coals.

That’s who Harold Camping is.

The Rapture, according to him, was supposed to take place on Saturday.

Guess what?

Didn’t happen!

When asked about it, Harold pretty much shrugged and said that when he didn’t find himself standing in the clouds when the six o’clock news came on the television last Saturday, he took another look at his Bible, and realized that he had miscalculated.

He figured that his prediction was off by five months. So he recalculated, and now he figures that the new and improved date for the Blessed Event is October 21^st!

That’s a BIG “Oops!” there, Harold! I mean, seriously! It’s not like the weatherman on Channel 3 screwed up on the timing of a line of thunderstorms! We’re talking about The GIGANTIC Big Whoop here! You being off by five freaking months for The End of Days is the cosmic screwing to end all cosmic screwings!

(Seems that this is not the first time that Harold’s pocket calculator went on the fritz, either.  He also predicted that a very pissed off Jesus was going to come a-knockin’ on the world’s back door back in 1994. Back then he also said that he miscalculated. He was off by seventeen years.)

I mean, there are people out there who sold their homes, quit their jobs and drained their bank accounts expecting The End to come on Saturday! So, now, what are they supposed to do for the next five months?  Where will they live? How will they buy food? Or clothes? And now, they ALSO have think about buying Father’s Day gifts this year!

My suggestion, Harold, is that you and your evangelical broadcast organization, Family Radio International, take all of these folks in and provide for them.  After all, these are God’s Chosen Ones, right? They should be taken care of for the last five months of life on this planet.  And, it’s not that you don’t have enough money.  Family Radio International, according its 2009 IRS tax statement, is worth over $104,000,000. If I were you, I’d drain that bank account, and let The Faithful live it up for five months!  Spend it all! Hell, you’re not going to need it after October 21^st, right?

When asked about the plight of his followers who divested themselves of all their earthly possessions prior to The Rapture That Didn’t Happen, Harold replied, “We (Family Radio International) are not in the business of giving financial advise.” He said that they were in the business of spreading the Word of God. (Harold, by the way, did not sell his house or get rid of his bank accounts.)

Well, it seems to me that when God’s got something important to say, He should speak up a little more clearly! Especially when it comes to the really big news items like the freaking End of the World! DON’T YOU THINK???!!! (I mean, hell! It seems to me that something like THAT should be front-page headlines in The Daily Heavenly Gazette!)

Harold says that he made a mistake in his interpretation of Scripture.  He said that May 21^st was not the date of The Rapture; it was, in fact, The Spiritual Judgment Day, where God opened up His Big Tally Book that He keeps on all of us and decides who’s been naughty and nice.

In other words, Saturday was the day that we all got either damned or saved. According to Harold, God’s judgments that were made on that day are irreversible. 

With all that in mind, I have two questions that, I guess, show my utter Biblical and theological ignorance:

1. How does Harold know all this stuff? Especially since The New Testament states in Matthew 24:36 “but about that day or hour (for the end of the world) no one knows.”

and 2. Why does it take God so long to deliver the reward or the punishment if His mind is already made up?  Five months between the verdict and the sentencing is LONG TIME!

And, since we can’t appeal the decision, why wait?

You know, to be honest with you, I’m glad Harold made the mathematical error that he did. 

Seriously! I mean, look, we just had Mother’s Day, right? And, now that The End isn’t coming until October 21^st, that means we get to squeeze in Father’s Day too!  I would have felt really gypped if Mary Ellen got all those cool Mother’s Day gifts this year, and I didn’t get my Father’s Day loot! (I mean, what’s fair is fair, right?)

So anyhow, now that I know that the Heavenly Court was in session last Saturday and I was one of the defendants, I’m pretty sure I know what the verdict on me was. And since the judgment was an “all sales are final” kind of deal, and I can’t appeal it, I might as well live it up until October 21^st.

So, thanks for the heads-up, Harold! This is going to be one hell of a kick-ass, five-month party!!!!!!!!!!