Okay, listen. I’m as flexible as the next guy when it comes to minor things in life such as politics, civil rights, relationships, immigration issues, health care and education, all right? But I’ve just about had it with all of this “all-inclusive”, feminist, yuppie, pinko, liberal, “green”, tree-hugging, open-minded  garbage when it comes to pizza.

Pizza is a specific food. Embellishments are not necessary or wanted. There are a lot of things that pizza is not, and there are lots of things that have absolutely no business in the universe being around or on top of pizza!

“Pizza” is thin-crust with tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese (preferably double cheese), sausage, pepperoni, meatballs, hamburger and/or mushrooms.

That’s it. 

That’s what pizza is.

NOTHING else.

Don’t hand me this crap called “Designer Pizza” and tell me its pizza. Tain’t so.

Pizza is pizza is pizza.

Broccoli, cauliflour, sun-dried tomatoes are not inhabitants  of the pizza universe. 

The definition of PIZZA is extremely narrow and limited, and vegetables, other than mushrooms and MAYBE peppers  are not part of it.

When I want pizza, I want something that will harden my arteries just by having it sit next to me. You want to eat flowers, be my freaking guest, but don’t tell me that azalea petals covered with feta cheese on a stone-ground, WHOLE-FREAKING-GRAIN crust is pizza.

Pizza is supposed to be not good for you. That’s what it is! You don’t eat pizza to get healthy. (If I want to live longer, I’ll eat a salad or the bird seed and weeds that my wife sometimes tries to get down my throat instead.)

You eat pizza because it tastes good. Simple as that. Not to lower your blood work numbers.

WHAT PIZZA IS NOT:

1.      “white”

2.      “organic”

3.      “stone ground”

4.      “whole grain”

5.      “designer”

WHAT PIZZA IS:

1.      Unhealthy

2.      MyBloggers

3.      Delicious

4.      Aretery clogging

5.      Food of the gods

THE FOLLOWING ARE OFFICIALLY APPROVED PIZZA TOPPINGS:

1.      Cheese

2.      Double cheese

3.      Meatballs

4.      Pepperoni

5.      Hamburger

6.      Mushrooms

THE FOLLOWING DEFINITELY ARE NOT PIZZA TOPPINGS:

1.      Most vegetables (PARTICULARLY cauliflower, broccoli, sun-dried tomatoes, asparagus, spinach)

2.      ANY seafood

3.      Peanut butter (Yeah! Peanut butter! Some yahoo actually smeared peanut butter on dough and called it pizza. The idiot should be committed.)

4.      Pineapple

5.      Cherries

6.      Apples

7.      Red potatoes

8.      Tofu

9.      FETA cheese

Any questions?

Good!

Then let’s eat!