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May 20TH 2008
                I really don't know why. It isn't just one thing. I feel so lost and alone. Hunter has been with me all day. So I wasn't really alone.
              God I thought the medications would help with these feelings. Some days they do. Today is a day they aren't. Will I ever be normal? I feel so disconnected to everything and everyone.
             I have been setting my goals everyday. And I have been able to make them. Today I set my goal way to high. I wanted to clean the apartment but All I got done was to chase the baby all over keeping him from hurting himself. Everytime I got something clean Hunter would trash it.
            I tried to take a nap when Hunter was down for his. But my friends kept calling me to check up on me. Making sure I hadn't cut myself again. I wanted to I must admit.Â
          I am reliving my sexual abuse over and over in my mind. It is way worst at night. My sister says I should get mad at my abuser. Like she does. She has a drug and drinking problem. I wonder which is the lesser of the too evils. I smoke . I love my cigs. No one is going to make me quit. My brother's also drink and so did my mother before she passed.
         I hate putting my family through want is going on inside of me. I think my sweet boys and dear husband would be better off with out a crazy mom and wife. I love them to much . I don't want to hurt them in anyway.
        My bestfriend Marci is now on here. Her new name is sledneck aka snowlover. She is going to read this and freak out. I love you Marci. Thank you so much for being there for me. You will never know how much our friendship means to me. You are more of a sister to me than my own sister. She tries but she has her own set of messes.
       I am blogging try to make sense of what I am feeling. I have taken all my meds as I needed up to now. I take the rest at bed time.
       I really wish I could get mad at them for hurting me the way they did. I had an ex-friend tell me that I was never raped. She thinks I am making up everything including my Diagnosis's. How can you make this up Why would I want all this pain if I didn't need it. She say I don't act like someone who has been raped. How are we to act?  She also said I am a toxic friend. So to all my friends here If I hurt you in anyway I am sorry.
        I am sorry I never got the "How to be her Friend" book but I am dumb and stupid to her. I may not be able to read it even if I did. I am really hurt more than I thought I was. We were friends for 24 year. Then One day I got a dear John letter from her. I had no ideal it was coming. I talked to her the day she wrote it. She said the one  letter I got was the nicer of all three she wrote to me.
        I am sorry this article is so long. I needed to write.
Enough For Now.
Gail MarieÂ
You know what your reality of your past is and you can't let anybody try to rewrite what you know. Surround yourself with people who love you and understand what you need. I wish I could do more. I really do. I don't know what you're going through, but my heart hurts for your pain. Honestly, I care.