The captain of a pirate ship walks up to a new recruit to introduce himself. The captain breaks into small talk then says to the recruit "if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask." The new recruit then replies,"I was wondering. I noticed there are no women on this ship and with long stretches at sea, what do we do when we get the urge to...you know?" The captain then answers "you see that barrel." The recruit nods his head. "Well you see that hole in the barrel." The recruit nods again. "Well when you get the urge, you stick your man stick in the hole any day except Monday." The recruit replies back "sounds great. But why not Monday?" The captain gets this grin and replies right back "because that's your day to sit inside the barrel."
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A man is sitting on his front porch when his neighbor walks by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The man asks his neighbor "why are you carrying that roll of chicken wire?" The neighbor replies "I'm going to catch some chickens." The man then says "you idiot, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." A few hours later, he comes back with a dozen chickens. The next day the neighbor walks by carrying a roll of duct tape. The man asks "what are doing with that duct tape?" The neighbor replies "I'm going to catch some ducks." The man says "you can't catch ducks with duct tape." A few hours later, the neighbor comes back with a dozen ducks. The next day the neighbor walks by carrying something else. The man asks "what do you have there?" The neighbor says "pussy willow." Then the man replies "wait up, I need to grab my hat."

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On a cross country flight, the pilot is making his normal announcements on altitude, etc when he forgets to turn off the intercom. He then says to his co-pilot "man what I could use right now is a hot cup of coffee and a blow job." The lead flight attendant then runs toward the cockpit to tell the pilot he forgot to turn off the intercom. As she's doing that, one of the passengers yells to her "don't forget the coffee."
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A man walks into a men's room and sees a little person taking a whiz. The little person says to the man "I'm a Leprechan and since I like you, I will grant you three wishes." The man says "O.K., thanks. My first wish is to live in a big beautiful house." The Leprechan says "granted. When you go home you'll see the biggest mansion in the world." The man then says "my second wish is to have a beautiful wife. "Granted" says the Leprechan. "When you get home to your mansion, you'll have a woman so beautiful, you'll never look at another woman for as long as you live. The man say "for my final wish, I would like a big penis." The Leprechan says "that's a tough one. For that wish, I'll need something in return. To grant you that wish, I would like to fuck you in the ass." The man thought for a moment and then said "for a bigger penis, I will let you." After a few minutes the man says "I can't believe I'm letting you fuck me in the ass." The Leprechan replied "I can't believe you think I'm a Leprechan."

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Three men are visiting Saudi Arabia when they find a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. The men go inside and start having their way with the women. An hour later, The Shiek walks inside very angry. He says to the men "you have violated my harem. Only I make have sex with these women. I will punish you in a way that fits your profession." He goes to the first man and asks "what do you do for a living?" The first man says "I'm a cop." The Shiek says "for your punishment, I will have your penis shot off." He then orders his guard to shoot the first man's penis off. He goes to the second man and asks "what do you do for a living?" The second man replies "I'm a firefighter." The shiek replies "for your punishment, I will have your penis burned off." He then orders his guard to take a flame thrower and burn the man's penis off. He then approaches the third man and asks the same question to which he replies "I'm a lolly pop salesman."
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More to come.

'nuff said.