Weeping will endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning!

I am finally ready to move along past the recent losses in my life. I think I fell into a situation with family telling me (encouraging me) to be angry and that it was okay/good to question why & stayed there. I had no reason to be angry that I lost children. They were gifts to us and although I'm not pleased they're not with us right now, there is some reason for it, I just am not sure what. Could be so that my husband and I developed a different and more intimate bound with each other. Maybe the timing wasn't "good" (for lack of a better word) for us as a family. Maybe all the company that we've had staying with us since we've been married would've sent me over the edge while pregnant (trust me, to me, they're very stressing!).

I am not sure.

What I am sure of though is I love my babies. My husband loves our babies. Our son loves those babies. I am sure they're healthy, happy and that they know we love them and that they're in our hearts. I'm sure of that because I don't believe they're anywhere but in Heaven.

Since I wanted to be with them while they grew up and it wasn't meant to be, I started questioning things. I blamed myself for not being "healthy" enough or being weak. It's just who I am, but it wasn't right.

I kept asking my husband, "Why am I so angry?!" "Why am I so frustrated with everything that I can't stand getting out of bed?!"

Because I was grieving......falling into an anger-filled depression....I was filled with great sorrow, overwhelmed with the loss of our children. It was okay (and still is) for me to do that, but I basically was only focusing on that, focusing on what I "thought" I was supposed to be doing....living in depression & carrying a burden on my shoulders that I shouldn't have for the length of time I did.

Don't misunderstand me, there's no way I can say, "My babies died and I'm happy about it!" Because I simply can't. What I can do though, is as I said, know the joy they brought to me & know that they know how much they were wanted & loved. I can use that knowledge & still love that much while we're praying and believing for another child.