Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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What did the tooth brush want to become when he grew older?
A broom.
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My dog's a blacksmith. Every time we open the front door he makes a bolt for it.
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Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
So she could draw blood.
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What do you give a sick budgie?
Tweetment.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?"
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table.
One of them spots a whisk and asks: "What's that?"
The other egg looks puzzled and replies: "Beats me"
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I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper the other day.
Yes, I was dicing with death!

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Q: What do pilots eat?
A: Plane biscuits.
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Essex . . .
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."