If I didn't know better I would think I had the baby blues. The problem with that is, my baby will be two years old next month. Two friggin' years old-already. How the hell did that happen? But we've been having a rough time lately. The shit and barf thing she had for four, going on five, days didn't help much either.
Could it be that this will be the child who suffers from the Terrible Twos? I am leaning that way. Grace didn't hit the Terrible Twos until she was three. Ha.
So last night I lied in bed and told The Universe that I thought I had finally gotten it. I may not have signed up for this mothering gig, but it was given to me. And I love being a mom of two wonderfully beautiful and bright girls. So I talked to The Universe and made a deal that I would try to change my perspective if It would work with me. What happened? I had almost seven hours of uninterrupted sleep. I took that as a sign from The Universe that I was finally getting my head out of my ass.
I have been in a real Ugh state the last few months. Mom is constantly harping on me to have the doc write me a script for anti-depressants but I don't want to go that route. I would rather have the time, and if given the time then have the energy, to mentally and soulfully fix whatever it is on my own. Stubborn? Yes. But I cannot wait to pass that line of "you come from a long line of difficult women; celebrate it" to my girls one day.
The thing is, my mom has turned me onto books written by Beverly Lewis, and they are all staged in the Amish country. I sit and read these books sometimes almost cover to cover without wanting to take a break. I devour them, which is odd for me, but I do. And, of course, with the books set in the Amish communities, there is a lot of spiritual growth and questioning in these fictional books. But it's worked, The Universe having sent them to me to read because I'm getting it.
I guess that in order to grow spiritually you have to realize that something's amiss, there's something you're simply not getting, and I have begun that journey yet again in my life, at least my mental life. I have definitely reached rock bottom when it comes to my trust in The Universe. And I take It for granted. So I must stop that. Now. Shit, I should have stopped it yesterday. Ha.
Anyway, I have begun to miss the me who used to find beauty in absolutely everything and most everyone. I have sacrificed so much of myself in the past five years. And I have to get it back. So that's my mission. I believe that once I get my head on straight and my faith in The Universe back, everything else will fall into place. And to that I am looking forward. Very forward, in fact.
Now I have to go and watch for the short bus to bring my oldest baby home to me. She's turning five next month. Five. Wow. Already. But I am planning on taking a trip to an indoor water park and a lodge for the girls' birthdays. It will be an one day trip but it will be absolutely wonderful. Their birthdays are only four days apart (I don't drink beer in the month of June anymore), so I am planning a private and so totally fun celebration for us a family. It's time to bring all of that back to myself. And I'm happy with the fact that finally it's dawning on me to get off of my ass and make shit--happy shit--happen.
Yeah.