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A Frog's Just a Frog
A Frog's Just a Frog
Assew called tonight to wish the girls Happy Valentines Day. Grace was very excited; she misses him and is trying to find a way to make this whole thing right within her world. Mak misses him too but she’s young. She tells everyone that her dad is at work. I leave it at that.
He asked if I wanted some money, reminding me of when he got paid. Asked for a ride to cash his check and then would give me some money. I’ll do it. I need the money. And although such a large part of my heart has turned dark and damp because of him, I don’t totally hate him. No, instead I hate parts of him. No, that’s not true either. I don’t hate him at all. I do, however, hate certain things about him. And yes, I believe there is a difference.
He ends his conversations with “Love ya’ll.” That used to make me smile. Then for awhile it made me smirk. Then I found myself rolling my eyes when I heard it. Now I simply hang up.
Love changes, doesn’t it. It would be nice in so many instances in my life if it would have remained the same, but it can’t because we as people change. The dude I was engaged to because he could have bought a piece of the moon for me…I traded him in for a keyboard player in a reggae band. I never would have thought of dating someone in a reggae band when I first met dude. But I changed. And my life changed. And he fit into it less and less every day.
The dude I met on my 26th birthday who was a redneck …wanted to marry me but I wouldn’t. Thank gawd I didn’t because our love turned nasty and he beat the hell out of me all the time.
Then there was Sperm Donor #1. I still miss him to this day. I was thinking about him the other night when the van did a skid on the ice on the street. We used to laugh so hard about everything. We were truly magical when we were together. One night we did drunken donuts in a lot in the snow. I remember laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, head against the headrest, eyes closed, spinning round and round in the parking lot. It was one of my favorite nights of all time.
And the night we staggered home from one of my gigs and fell against the neighbor’s house, collapsing with laughter. There we were, laying against her house laughing so hard and so loud. Holding each other up and taking turns with the “shhh”s. And that is one of my favorite life moments. It still is. I laugh when thinking about it.
When he left me, I had no one but a friend with benefits for two years. And I was only a friend with him a few times. I had no need for a man except the occasional scratching of that itch. And then I met Assew. Most of you know how that went down.
I never thought I would be here again, trying to relearn the difference between being lonely and alone. Coming to grips with the fact that I am again single. It’s a bitter pill, this one. A double-edged sword. I feel better without the stress of us. But I miss him. He was my best friend. But we fought like siblings.
I used to be a dreamer. I used to believe in fairy tales. Hell, I have a wonderful story about every man who has ever meant anything to me. The ways I met them were extraordinary. Maybe that’s what went wrong: it all become ordinary after awhile.
I don’t really believe in fairy tales now. (But don’t tell Grace and Makayla that.) Sometimes being a dreamer means that you‘re always waiting for the prince to come. And it sucks when you finally realize that sometimes a frog’s just a frog.
posted on Feb 14, 2010 7:15 PM ()
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