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Closing Circles
Closing Circles
Feb. 20, 2010
Mak’s great grandma passed away last night. Assew’s mom just called to tell me. At least Mak got to meet her last spring. Of course, I got to hear how he is supposed to be trying to get a way down there. It will surprise me if he does go. First of all, she said she’s not paying his way and I don’t know where he’d get the money for a last minute plane ticket. And then he would need a ride to the airport. And, seeing as how we were in a wreck last night, I don’t think I’d feel comfortable trying to get mom’s old beat up buggy that far away.
She asked me to stay cordial with him. Ha. “Don’t give him an excuse to not see those girls,” she said. Like I would have to give him an excuse. I just called the cell phone that he swears to me isn’t his (but his family swears to me is) and left him a message, telling him that I was sorry to hear about his grandma. And I am. Death is always sad for those left behind.
**Can I say out loud that this hasn’t been a banner month for me. I am glad February is the shortest month of the year. I can’t wait for it to be over.**
Feb. 21, 2010
At church, there is this man who is just adorable to me. He always makes a point of interrupting whatever he’s doing to shake my hand and hug me. I’ve always had a thing for old people, and this man, in my opinion, is tops. This morning I found out that he and his wife, whom I’ve never met, just celebrated their wedding anniversary. He told me that they have been married for 70 years. Seventy years. Wow.
And here I am, never married because I have always been afraid--maybe known deep down--that I was making choices based on something that wouldn’t last forever. And yes, in my opinion, 70 years is pretty much forever.
Later I found out that I had missed knowing it was this gentleman’s birthday. He is 91 years old. I wish you could see him because he honestly looks at least a decade younger than his age. He is just so joyful and so…cute. I love him.
I was sitting in the pew this morning, playing tic-tac-toe with Grace when I was supposed to be quieting my mind, but I did begin to think about things. First of all, I felt lighter. If nothing else, the separation of Assew from this family has emptied my life of most resentment. I was eaten up with it, and I had told him that not long before his great escape. I resented everything about him.
It was an immediate shift in my state of mind, the night he never came home. (I still find myself wanting to spit and clench my teeth when I say that) There’s a big difference in having to pack up the girls and take them everywhere with me because I’m the only parent. I mean, I have to do it now so I simply do it, whereas before I was always pissed off because he was in bed so I had to take them everywhere because he wouldn’t get up and participate.
Is it best that he’s gone? Yeah, probably. Does it still freak me out that he’s gone? Yeah, it does, but because of things like my financial state (unemployed, almost broke) and the loneliness. Not because he’s (meaning he as a person) is not here anymore. And yeah, I’m pissed off at him at so many levels for so many purely selfish reasons. I forever want the glory of doing the things I did for him and getting him where he is. That’s selfish and egotistical.
Almost everyone in my life wants to know if it would upset me if he left me for another woman. I guess in a way it would be a bit of a rub for anyone to be left for another person. So on the surface, the answer is yes, but I have this real smug attitude that it doesn’t matter if he does or not because he isn’t that good of a catch and his shit will get old with the next one too. And the next one. And the next one. You know? He makes good money, but I don’t know if anyone will participate in his life and ever have as much invested in him as I did as far as his well-being. So I don’t really care. I know what kind of women he was with before me and none of that makes me feel bad. All of his family that I have spoken to are most upset with him because I was the best chicka he’s ever had in his life. I was “so different” than the other ones. And I suspect I will forever remain that way.
I have been talking to Grace’s dad the past couple of nights on the computer. I suppose it’s time for that too. Grace is almost six, ya know.
There’s been a lot of reminiscing about just about everything that used to be ours. Not too much talk about Grace though, but she’s mentioned. I have pretty much said the things that I need to be said about her.
So it’s funny how life moves in circles. Closure. That’s what the circles need so they can close and new ones can be formed. Not a lot of things in my life have had much finality. I’m all for it most times it seems; it just doesn’t usually happen until much much later.
So that’s where I am, closing circles. And making new ones. Let’s hope one of those circles is a new source of income because I really need a job.
posted on Feb 21, 2010 12:07 PM ()
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