General Funny New Years Resolutions

I will...

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
Stop drinking orange juice after I just brushed my teeth.
Stop licking frozen flag poles.
Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
Watch more movie remakes.
Go back to school to avoid paying my student loans.
Only eat white snow
Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I'm being interviewed. (especially by a policeman writing me a ticket)
Spend less than $1825 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes
• Actually work from home on my telecommuting days.

• .

• Less e-mailing? Cancel at least a few of the 9 or 10 e-mail accounts I currently have.

• Not talk on my cell phone while in the bathroom doing - - - (you finish this sentence).

• Never pull away from the gasoline pump ... with the hose still in the tank (darn those cell phone calls).

• Try and drive at or under the speed limit ... at least when I'm not hungry, tired or late.

• Watch more television -it IS the "window into the world", right?

• Keep my opinions to myself (yeah, right).

• Enjoy the sweeter side of life - M&Ms, Hershey kisses, candy corns, and cheesecake and ...

• Gain some weight - I think I caught a glimpse of one of my ribs in the mirror yesterday.

• Read something this year ... other than the comics.

• Drive myself to the fitness center when I feel like going from now on ... because walking there makes me perspire. I think I might follow a couple of these, especially the sweeter side of life one!.