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'Twas the Night After Christmas
'Twas the night after Christmas
and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was
staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped
out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas
they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and
neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and
I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and
I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking
me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was
shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he
look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut
belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports
a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm
describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time
to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have
been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff
it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been
drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought
maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer
had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good
neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer
full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a
shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did
run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen
Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy,
hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a
care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and
he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's
assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
The following article was written by Jeff Foxworthy.
