I have to get this out of me. I'm not looking for anything other than to get it out.
My nephew just called. We were on the phone for a 1/2 hour.  The first 10 minutes or so was complete bullshit about how much he hates his dad's wife because someone said she called him a loser low life and blah blah blah.  How his head doesn't really hurt that much but it's still swollen.  Basically he was being the big tough know it all 16 year old going on 46yo that annoys the shit out of me.
I almost wanted to end the call cuz I'm really tired of it. But then I couldn't bite my tongue and I kept asking questions about what he's going to do and why he was wanting to do certain things.  I kept asking, kept asking, kept asking because the fact is that he's 16, he's a HS dropout, he can't hold a job because "people don't respect him", he wants to be with his friends the small town that keeps him into the drugs, he wants to be a fighter.
I asked about Military School and now he's not going because he can't because of the head.  I asked if he regretted not going in July and he said he didn't.  I asked what he was going to do without a HS diploma and he said he would get a GED.  I asked when, he said he had things to take care of first.
I told him that it's not about having fun anymore, that he dropped out of HS so now he's thrown himself into adulthood and he has to start living his life for tomorrow and really start thinking about what the fuck he wants to do. 
A pro fighter.
So when you have kids and grand-kids, you're going to tell them you were a fighter.
Yeah. It's the same as if I told them I was a pro soccer player.
Yes, but all of those guys do different things. They set up organizations to give money back, they go on to have other careers.  What do you want to do in your life besides fighting?
Go to trade school and be a plumbler because plumbing is needed all year round.
Fantastic.  You're right, everyone will always need a plumber.  So how are you going to get there.
I don't know I have a lot to think about right now because I'm really messed up. 
And that's when he let it all out... he finally broke it down and became the 16 year old going on 17 year old kid that he really is.  He doesn't like what has happened this past year.  He doesn't like how his mind has changed.  He doesn't like that little things remind him of stuff that he doesn't want to think about.  He doesn't like that little things set him off.
The tears welled up.  I hate that he's where he is but he's responsible for a lot of it.  And how do I help at this point?!?  And he's not asking for my help, but ... ugh!
I told him that it was OK to think all of that, that it's normal.
"But I don't want to think about her" (his exgf) or "I don't want to think about Dad so much," when earlier he referred to Dad by his name.
It choked me up! FUCK! I JUST WANT TO HELP HIM BECOME THE DECENT, GOOD PERSON I KNOW HE CAN BECOME BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HELP HIM.
I kept telling him it was OK because I still think about stuff I don't want to think about from 25 years ago.  I told him this was how he had to grow into a better person and that there are going to be things that stick with him forever.
"Yeah well can we continue this another time though cuz [his sister] is getting on me about the minutes on her phone."
I told him I loved him over and over again and we hung up the phone.
:(
He sounded horrible. Even when he was being the macho ass he normally masquerades as, he still sounded horrible. 
 
... so I have to assume this is all preparing me for motherhood one day?!?!? They really should have a class or something you can take for this shit, if so. Or maybe this is all just to add another gray hair?
 
PS  Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. I hope it's better than year 35 .