I’ve been missing my mom lately. And for me to say that is… weird. She hasn’t passed or anything; it’s just that my mom and I have never had a great mother-daughter relationship. Growing up, I was more the mom than she was and for many, many years I held a lot of resentment towards her because of it. It took me a long time to work through the issues I had with her and I did it without her; I don’t think she even has a clue how hurt I was for so long, how I had very little (if any) respect for her.

When I announced my engagement last January, my mom showed little excitement. It didn’t really surprise me but it did hurt a little, of course. We had a rather short engagement and by the end of it, my mom really came through and surprised me. She was one of the only family members who showed any excitement and support for my upcoming nuptials. I was so amazed and so… moved by her generosity (and I don’t mean monetary generosity either) that I was brought to tears several times. For the first time in my whole life, I felt that I knew what Mom meant.

Anyway, since the wedding, we’ve been getting along just fine because it’s through email and we always get along when we’re not in every day contact with one another. For Mother’s Day we took her and my MIL out for a brunch and had a beautiful day together. I even got her Rod Stewart concert tickets for his (and BRYAN ADAMS) show in August. And on occasion, DH and I will meet up with her at a casino that has a huge bingo hall she likes to play at.

But there’s one thing missing from our relationship…something I’ve been dying to talk to her about, but just can’t. I want to ask her about her pregnancies with my siblings and myself. I want to talk to her about her miscarriage she had when she was my age. I want to tell her that we’re trying to have a baby, that we’ve been trying now for six months. I want to cry on her shoulder with my frustrations of not being able to be a mom yet. I want her to tell me it’s going to all work out. I want her to tell me that I’m going to be a great mom. I want her to get excited for me. I want her to tell me she can’t wait for another grandchild.

I want her to be the mom and me to be the kid.

But I just can’t do it. I just can’t do it because we never had that type of relationship.

Maybe it’s time to make it into that type of relationship?