I don't even know if anyone is going to read this but it sure feels good to put my feelings down in writing sometimes. Isolation is something I both crave and loathe at the same time. Weird, huh. Our lives have certainly been upturned with this latest move. We wouldn't have done it if we could have seen any other way to help MIL and deal with FIL's estate. I sure miss my old life.

One thing that's surprising is how good things are with my MIL. I don't like to admit it but I was dreading having to spend time with her. I had a hard time relating to her before, so the dementia made it extra scary. There are aspects of her personality that I've always had a hard time with. It's hard to put my finger on. It's sort of an attitude of self importance, 'nothing but the best', 'other people exist to serve', etc.

Surprisingly, I've found myself enjoying her immensely! She still lives in her own home, with a home health aid (who happens to live across the street) coming daily to help see to her meals and meds. She still bathes and dresses herself and carries on a fairly good conversation. If you didn't know she was loopy you might not notice anything amiss.

Her latest 'loop' is that she thinks she's just arrived home from a trip to Europe. She did go to Europe... about fourteen years ago. She'll say things like... "I'm so tired, must be the jet lag." or "I had such a wonderful time! You really ought to go there someday!" We never try to correct the Europe fantasy as it puts her on such a high, one that will ensure pleasant interactions throughout the day.

Most of my involvement with MIL has to do with taking her to appointments. Her daughter, my husband's sister, sets these appointments from a distance. She's also one of these 'nothing but the best' people, and when it comes to making sure her mom gets the best medical care and services, she's totally on it.

I have to admit this is not an area of strength for me, so I'm happy for her to set the appointments and just tell me when and where. The only difficult part for me is getting MIL moving fast enough to make the appointment on time, though we are both doing better.

Even if I call ahead and remind her to get ready, she won't. I have to allow at least a half hour, though sometimes it can take much, much longer for her to decide what clothes to put on. She's been known to say "I'm just gonna go put some lipstick on"... half hour later we find that she's changed her clothes again.

Once we're out, it's nice. I congratulate us both on getting there 'reasonably on time' (even if I have to lie, LOL). She seems to enjoy getting out of the house. It's good for her. So what if it's just for a Dr.s apt. If we finish with enough time to spare before I have to pick up my daughter, we go to lunch afterwards.

Whatever dread I had about making room in my life to help care for this woman has been replaced with joy. It was a total surprise to me how much I would like it, and how much I would gain from it myself. It's a spiritual kind of gain, not like anything else. I'll be walking with her, holding her hand, and we'll be chattering away when all of a sudden I'll feel that tingling feeling that comes from the inside out. It's a good feeling.

Now, if I could just get the rest of my life on track!