I have already discussed the law of mechanical attraction in a diminishing species and Duncan's economic Theory of Beer, but now it is time to move on to more serious subjects....

The Dyslexic/Math Challenged Karma Theory of the Express Lane:

Have you ever been in the grocery and taken your five items to the express counter, only to find your self behind 5 other people who were either English Majors who couldn't count or Math Majors who couldn't read.

The freaking sign says "15 Items or Less" people, not 51, not "7 of the same thing count as one" and certainly not "Two over doesn't count". It freaking well does count you moron. Go line up behind Suzy Homemaker and her four full baskets and 7 screaming children. It's what you deserve. It happens to me all the time.

Coupled with that is the incredibly bad karma of line ups in general. Should I venture to buy more than 15 things and have to use a cart and actually stand in the regular line, then guess what, I end up in line behind the old lady who wants to count out 99 pennies but can't find them in under three hours cause her purse has seventeen freaking pockets, or the guy who wants to write a check and can't find his check cashing card, or his id and the clerk has to call his supervisor or even worse, the human calculator with limited funds who calls for subtotals on every second item and then takes things off the conveyor and then puts them back on. What is it I have done in my past life that I deserve this? Did I steal from the rich and not give to the poor? Did I run over a beloved family pet?

It is a proven fact that Canadians will not line up for much, the latest survey says that our limit is about 8 minutes and then we will leave (be it a restaurant or whatever). There is something in our gene pool, maybe it is the size of our country, the idea that there is space enough for all that makes line ups a complete horror for us. I know I am patient in all other things in my life, be it small children, or puppies that need to be paper trained or old folks who need a helping hand. Just call me, I'll be there. But don't ever ask me to line up for anything.

I actually tell people who get in line behind me that maybe they should pick another line up because I have such bad line up karma. They usually smile and chuckle, and that is about the time the paper roll in the cash register runs out on the new clerk in training.

Some are brave enough to even shrug this off when I point it out as an example of my bad karma and urge them to move along. When the clerk cannot scan the bar code and tries for twenty times to fool the laser, and then pages for help, I look ruefully at those behind me and say, "Sorry, but I did tell you this would happen".

Most will at this point, slide off to some other cash register. Finally, like some prehistoric sloth I make my way closer to the till, only to have the clerk slam a "closed sign" on the conveyor, but the clerk at the next till says "I can help you over here" and I make a mad rush over to the next till and still find myself about 10 people back and it starts all over again.

I am making a valiant attempt to not be a line up Nazi, but the laws of my universe are conspiring against me. YOU! STEP AWAY FROM THE COUNTER! NOW! Ooops, sorry that just slipped out.