I thought I would Make a Guide for you hopeless species …. Men.

You can thank me later.



You see I call you all a bunch of hopeless species, because you all seem quite clueless when it comes to understanding us women.

Here is a guide.



Small Events. Birthdays, anniversary, holidays, parties are that’s right important. Anniversary might not be as important depending on the person. You would be able to tell if anniversary is important to the girl if she says “Oh we been together for 2 months, one week and blah blah blah” This is a big hint that you better friggin remember how long you been going out for and when and where the first date was. This is important to us women. You men seem quite able to remember the specs of cars, this should not be much harder for you. Holidays another thing that you will groan at I am sure is …. Yep you guessed it important to us women as well. One holiday that you should not miss is Valentine’s Day. And I am sure you are saying what a load of garbage. But you see that day is ultimately a couple’s day. I am not saying you have to go out and buy a truck load of chocolate and jewelery but at least get her a card, or spend the day with her. You see the more little things like these you do for her ……. The more she will do for you …. (if you catch my drift)



Big events. Such as job interviews, presentations, exams, meeting the parents, dealing with drama and so forth need your input. That’s right we want your input (even if your hopeless ;) ). For these events, let her know that your thinking about her or just give her some words of encouragement. Don’t start bitching and arguing with me on this. We stroke your egos all the time, therefore we need some too.



Friends. You guess it, they are important as well. You do not have to like ALL of her friends right off the bat. But you cant start insulting her friends. That would be like insulting her. Think about how you would feel if we insulted your friends. Second you will have to spend some time with her friends. I know its just terrible, just torture I am sure. But this is a way for her friends to check you over and approve of you or not. And if you are really quite awesome, it would be a way for her to show you off.



Cat. Yes that’s right I said the dreaded word. If she has cats, you better start to learn to act. You can say you don’t like cats, but you do not have to hate her cat. And you don't have to yell at the cat and give him the middle finger when he is outside the door, while you laugh to yourself. The cat will come back and make your life a living hell. Smile at the cat, pat him on the head and say what pretty eyes, fur, collar or whatever. And that should do it. (Although the cat will know your if your faking or not and will firmly plant himself in your path at night, or on the steps when you have twenty items in your hand.)



Her style. Some things may not suit your taste. It is very hard to tell someone nicely that their clothes look ugly, weird, stupid, and tasteless. I would suggest avoiding any comments on this area at all unless of course they are nice.



Effort. The effort she puts into something … like lets say bedroom attire, or techniques will yes that’s right need your positive input (Or constructive suggestions that are not far fetched). Otherwise from the silence she will take that as a sign that you do not pay attention or even noticed such efforts. This means she won’t do it again. That's right she could completely STOP the whole activity indefinitely. Women last longer, therefore she can go on weeks on ends without the activity and you will surely die if you don't wise up. Or worse yet she will assume that you don’t like it. In addition effort can be applied to the kitchen. She may go full out and make you breakfast, lunch, supper, whatever. If she went to all the trouble to make you food, at the very least you could say it was good. (Unless it was awful, which then means you might have to be truthful in a nice way).



Surprises. Most people love surprises. Think of them as bankable brownie points, the more you have the better you are off. (Word of caution though if you give her a rose one day and expect affection right away… then it wont work, we will know what you are up to… pretty quick ). So random notes of saying “Miss You” , “Thinking of You” (even emails or facebook) are good. Even a cheap silly stuff animal would be appreciated. I know its hard for your brains to think past the sex part, and its even harder for you to be creative and spontaneous ..... but guess what? You can practice and it will be well worth it.



PMS. That’s right I am covering this because you all need a slap upside the head for this one. First of it IS NOT a disease, therefore you wont catch it if you god forbid touch us, hug us and snuggle with us. Second, you think we wanted it this ? OF COURSE WE DONT.
Third we can not just simply turn it off whenever we want. If we could it would of been turned off AGES AGO.
Fourth we will have headaches, back pain, leg pain, you name the pain and we most likely have it. And guess what ? Oddly enough having all these aches and pains will make us cranky !And dont even begin to complain about that. You men are sad little creatures when you get a cold. You basically shut down and die on the couch, toilet, front door, bed, floor (wherever you land you pretty much die and curl up in a ball).
I am afraid you are just going have to deal with us during that time. Some women are more pain in the ass than others. Some will be emotional time bombs. Everyone is different, therefore the experience is different for all of us women. The best thing to do is be very kind.

I will tell you the don’ts. Don’t say “ Your cranky you must be pms ing” If you still have your balls at that point you are well loved man. Don’t say “ Oh Man that again? But I wanted to have fun” if you are still in one piece saying that you are lucky. Don’t tell us that we are cranky, bitchy or the otherwise. Don’t go out and avoid us the whole week by hanging out with the guys every second of the day and night getting drunk. Don’t mention the hot girl that happens to be an old high school friend that was chatting you up. Don’t even think about getting your favorite type of fun (if you catch my drift) done when we feel like complete crap (remember we have teeth and are not afraid to use them). Finally do not be all grossed out and weirded out by it because there is nothing we can do about it. Thats right there is NOTHING we can do about it. So suck it up and get used to it.



Sick. When she is sick, you can show off your cave man ability of being the protector. You, I am afraid will have to look after her, and ensure her that she looks fine (even if she does not). Make her soup, toast whatever, and tuck her in. And she will remember it forever.

Shopping. Some women are champions of the mall. They will power shop and get deals like a man on fire. Best to avoid shopping with women, as since you creatures will get bored and get many questions asked such as "does this look good on me" (which by the way no answer is ever good enough, therefore you will get it wrong every time, therefore we will get mad at you). And it can last all day if your woman is a serious shopper. But if she wants you to go, very much then you are going have to go. Here is the plan to help you through. First spend some time with her, an hour or so. Second tell her you are going to look at car stuff (go in great detail here, it will bore her and she will want nothing to do with it ) and let her do her own thing and join back later at a set spot. Now there will be other women who have no real desire to power shop or spend all day in the mall. Consider yourself lucky. You will not have to deal with splurge purchases.

Jars. It is your duty and responsibility to open ANY jar, that she can not open within the first try or two.

Warmth. This is again your duty and responsibility to keep her warm. We women don't seem able to produce body heat like you guys do. (and we have all that extra fat WHY?). This will beneficial to you, I assure you. She will stick close by you if you are warm and she will feel protected and loved.

Bugs. This is a serious threat to us women. Blood sucking vampires, aliens, big tuff guys, bitchy women, jackasses, morons, monsters, zombies, ninjas.... we can handle and will kick their butts. But bugs ... we cant and wont. They are scary, nasty and even more powerful than superman himself. Therefore you will have to be the knight in shinning Armour and save her from any spider that is crawling around all hairy and gross. Do not laugh at our fears. They are legit. DO NOT throw the bug on her and say it was a joke, if you do, you have a death wish. And she will make Clint Eastwood look nice and pretty.

Mechanical Things. If you know nothing about cars, you are useless ! You cant even consider yourself a man. We rely upon you creatures for your knowledge of cars. I guarantee that about 90% of women have never changed a flat tire themselves (and may not even know how). Therefore it will be your task to take care of the car and fix whatever is the problem (if you can of course). This will also apply to things in the house, leaky sinks, doors, windows etc. This is because we have no knowledge in this area and have no interest whatsoever about a radiator, fan belt, and whatever else may be in a car.

So You all aren't so hopeless. We women obviously need you for a few things ..... ; ) (and this is all done in good humor, I would dearly be lost without you guys (as much As I don't want to admit such )