Okay.

I just know that this post is
going to get me in a whole lot of trouble.

But that’s never
stopped me before…

SO…

I think that The
Universal Powers That Be knew exactly what they were doing when they made sure that I never had to raise a
baby. ( Now, don’t get me wrong. I have four children: two adopted,
two assimilated, and I love them all to death.)

What brought me to
this conclusion was that I saw the cutest little German Shepherd
puppy yesterday.

You don’t
understand?

All right! Let me explain.

Mary Ellen went to
Maine on Monday with her forty-something year old niece to pick up a
new puppy for said niece. They spent Monday night up there, and drove
home yesterday. (Ergo, I spent Monday evening with six friends at the
local pub…Goes without saying, right?)

I saw the puppy
yesterday afternoon, and she is eight weeks old, black and tan,
pudgy, fuzzy, and absolutely adorable!

I held her close to
my face with one hand, and the little girl reached out and licked the
tip of my nose. This action, her looks, and her amazingly sweet
disposition stole my heart.

Then, I began
thinking: all babies of the animal world are cute! Dogs, cats,
horses, bears even tiger and lion have babies that are cute.

…

So what the hell happened to humans?

Humans have got, in
my opinion, the uuuugliest babies of all the species on the planet, . . . and that’s including
mosquitoes. 

Sorry, but newborn
humans are just downright, pukably gross!

To me, human babies
look like Benjamin Button at the beginning of his life when he’s
still an old man, or Steve Tyler in his twenties – just a mass of
wrinkles, squints, lips, and wild hair.

That’s it.

And then, on top of
that,  they smell exactly the way that they look!

There is nothing
adorable about them, and, if they are “cute”, it’s kind of a
“Mr. Potato Head” cute, don’t ya think?

Something that
screams bloody murder at two in the morning has nothing cute about it, as far as I’m concerned.

Sorry!

Not only that, but
for being the supposed “top of the food chain”, human babies take
a freaking eternity to even begin to feel comfortable in their own bodies! Puppies,
kittens, calves, phillies, colts and all freaking
KINDS of cubs can eat, drink
and stand by themselves twenty minutes after coming out of the chute!
It takes your “Little Bundle of Joy” (I’ll just bet that the
person who came up with that term to describe human babies was
childless.) somewhere around thirteen to fifteen months to do the
same things!

How can something be
“precious” when it has utterly foul-smelling, gooey, lumpy glop
dripping out of every major orifice all of the
time?

Nope, human cuteness
doesn’t occur until the kid is about two, if it occurs at all. At
least then they’re not constantly spitting up strained peas and
carrots.

Plus, at that age,
they’re starting to get a personality instead of sitting there like
some ugly little Cabbage Patch Kid with less brainpower than your
average snail and less muscle tone than your average sea cucumber.

Please, don’t get
me wrong; I love my kids, and I REALLY love all three of my grand kids. It’s just that, well, babies are
not cute. They don’t look cute. They don’t sound cute. They don’t
act cute. They don’t smell cute.

You want cute? Get a
puppy.