Went to The Jack
Daniel's Distillery today in Lynchburg, TN. Fascinating place. For
one thing, it is the first registered distillery in the United
States, established in 1865, and it is the sells more whiskey than
any other distillery in the world...AND it is located in a dry
county! (The county has been dry since Prohibition began in 1909.
When Prohibition was repealed in 1938, it had to be done county by
county in TN. In order for an ordinance to take affect in TN, a
county has to have a minimum of 2500 registered voters. The county in
which Lynchburg is located only has 1400. So, although it is legal
now to make the hooch in Lynchburg, in order to BUY the stuff, you
have to travel 12.2 miles (in any direction) from the distillery!

However, more of
that kind of stuff in another post. What I want to talk about here
is how I almost got got arrested in The Jack Daniel Distillery
parking lot this afternoon.

Okay. Let's back up
a little bit here.

Mary and I left
Hartford, CT on a 7:10 a.m. flight. It was fairly cool. So I put on
bluejeans when we left for the airport.

When we landed in
Nashville, TN at 9:30, the temperature was in the mid-eighties, and
the humidity was oppressive. By the time we got to Lynchburg an hour
and a half later, the temperature was pushing 100.

Now, the parking
lot at the Jack Daniel Distillery is one of those newly designed ones
that is set up like a labyrinth in order to slow traffic down.
Strategically placed speed bumps and asphalt islands cut down on
vehicle speed and protect against accidents. Also, if you are parked
in a space that is facing the entrance to the lot, you can be assured
that a car entering the lot will take a little while to get to you.

So with that in
mind, when Mary pulled the car into a space that had a clear view of
the entrance of the lot, I decided that I would change from my long,
hot and heavy bluejeans into my light and cool shorts...right there
in the privacy of the passenger seat of my car.

As I got my shorts
out of my luggage that was in the trunk, I looked around. Not
another human being or moving vehicle in sight.

Excellent!

I climbed back into
the passenger seat, removed my belt and my shoes, unbuttoned my pants
and unzipped my fly.

(Now, at this point
in the story, I have to make a confession. What I am about to say may
shock some of you, and I may drop down a few points in your
estimation. However, for you to fully appreciate the trauma that I
was about to go through, you need to understand this one little
peculiarity about me: I don't always wear underwear. I wear it most
of the time, but not always.
And, well, this was one of those days that I had decided to go au
naturel when I was
getting dressed.)

I looked all around the parking lot one more time before to make sure
that there wasn't a soul in sight before I took the step to go beyond
the point of no return and slip my jeans over my butt and past my
knees.

Nobody.

So, I lifted my butt up off the seat, and, with one fluid motion, I
did the deed. My pants were then at my ankles. With two quick kicks,
they were off my body completely, and a I tossed them into the back
seat.

It was exactly at that point in time that a large,
white SUV came lumbering into the parking lot.

“SHIT!” I shouted, and went scrambling for my shorts, which were
on the floor by my feet.

“Relax,” Mary said, “There are a dozen spaces between us and
that truck.. It will probably grab one of those closer spots.'

Oh yeah? Well, guess what! It didn't!

As I sat there staring at the behemoth as it steadily pushed its way
closer and closer to my naked genitals, I realized that the thing had
its sites on the big, shady, empty parking space right next to me!

WTF?!?!

The SUV was now close enough that I could see the driver – a blonde
woman in her mid-thirties with two small kids in the back.

OF COURSE,
it would have to be woman!!!!! God wouldn't have had it any other
way!!!!!!

At
that point, I realized that I couldn't get my shorts on without
lifting my hind end up off the seat. In doing so, my front end, with all of its
bells and whistles, would rise above the window line of the door,
giving the whole outside world a full-color, big-screen, high
definition shot of me, Little Winkie and his two little buddies in
all of our glory!

As
the SUV girl was pulling into the space next to me, I became aware
that, because she just had to have a vehicle that
was four-stories high, all
she had to do was look down at me to see what was usually hidden on the other side of my tan lines!

Thinking, quickly, I popped open the glove compartment in front of me
and yanked out a road map. I shook the thing open and laid it
strategically in my lap, covering everything that is not normally
exposed to the light of day.

My plan was to be “studying” the map in earnest while blondie and
her two little adorables clamored out of their Panzer and went inside
the distillery.

I waited.

Two minutes went by.

Blondie wasn't moving.

I never lifted my head from the map as, out of the corner of my
mouth, I quietly said to Mary, “What the fuck?”

Mary, who was not doing a very good job of hiding her amusement to
begin with, burst out laughing.

“What's so goddamned funny?”I demanded, angrily punching my knee
with my fist and almost knocking the map off of my lap and onto the
floor.

I then ventured a glance up at the SUV. The woman was not moving.
She was staring straight out of her windshield at some point directly
in front of her.

“What
is this dumb bitch waiting for?”

“Maybe she's waiting for friends of her's to join her.” Mary
suggested through her stifled laughter.

“Son
of a bitch!” I replied. “And they're probably going to park in
that empty space right next to you! I'm going to be surrounded by
gaping voyeurs just itching to slap me with an indecent exposure rap!”

I reached over and frantically grabbed Mary by the arm. “Get me the
hell out of here,” I implored.

“To where?” she asked with a smirk.

“I don't care!” I almost shouted. “Greece! Anywhere! That
parking space across the lot! Just get me the hell away from blondie
here!”

She laughed, started the car, and drove to the empty space that I had
pointed to. Once safely away from the white SUV and its prying
occupants, I swiftly donned my shorts, put on my shoes, and got out
of the car.

The tour of the distillery was amazing.