Okay,

Let’s talk about this damned snow.

Here in CT, we’ve had 80 inches so far this season, and winter is only half over.

Right now, there is about four feet on the ground, with piles by the end of driveways and at intersections that are over six feet high. These towering mountains are the underlying reason for many more auto accidents that usual.  People can’t see over the damned snow. So they inch out into the intersections, and then . . .WHAM!!!!

People are dying of heart attacks due to excessive shoveling. Especially this last storm, the Mother of All Storms, that dropped heavy, wet snow, freezing rain and sleet. When I was shoveling out yesterday, I could only fill up half of the snow shovel because the crap was so water-laden and heavy that I literally couldn’t lift a full shovelful!

Roofs are collapsing under the weight of the stuff. People are panicking and actually climbing up on their icy roofs to get rid of the weight.

Many, many troubles, such as those listed above, have been attributed to this unusual winter, but, there is one particular snow-related problem that really bothers the hell out of me, and NOBODY is talking about it!

Okay, look.  I own dogs.  Two BIG dogs.  German Shepherds. They eat a lot, and, consequently, they also poop a lot. I mean A LOT! And not only do they poop often, but they poop BIG!!!

Now, couple this fact with the fact that dogs have short legs. I mean, their legs are only about a foot and a half long.  You’ve all heard the figurative expressions like, “I’m up to my ass in snow!” Well, if you’re a freaking dog, that expression isn’t figurative, but all too literal! Their butts are only two feet off the ground. So, snow deeper than two feet creates a gigantic back-up problem for the poor, gentle beasts!

This doggy problem becomes a decidedly human problem when the only place that the puppies can poop is on the shoveled out walkway that goes from my driveway to my back door. Said walkway right now is littered with numerous such deposits.  The ones that have been there longer are frozen solid. But the others - the five-pound, steaming landmines - are sitting there just waiting to sabotage the unsuspecting boot or sneaker.

And I absolutely detest scraping the junk from the soles of my shoes! It makes me gag…really. AND, my winter boots have deep and narrow treads on the bottoms. So, it’s not just a quick and easy brush off. It’s more like a fifteen gouge and pick activity that is NEVER one hundred percent successful!

Now, some of you are probably thinking things like the brown or black color of these deposits are in stark contrast to the thin layer of snow upon which they sit. You REALLY don’t see them?

Yes, I see them…in the daylight! But, Mr. or Mrs. Pompous, Sanctimonious, Smug Know-It-All Idiot Jerk, when I get home from rehearsal at ten o’clock in the evening, the freaking sun is no longer out to illuminate my stroll from my car to my back door! Did ya ever think of that?

And, for some reason or another, dog poop that is five minutes old doesn’t stink unless it is disturbed.  It must form like a skin or scum or something that quarantines the smell…UNTIL!

Yup. Never fails.  I pick my way cautiously up the walkway at night, straining my eyes to see these mounds of digested Purina One, and then, in spite of my best efforts, the distinctive, familiar, pungent aroma fills my nostrils.

Shit.

Literally.