JIM. I had forgotten all about that. How did you know about it?

HOWARD. Janice told me.

JIM. I just did it to try and protect you.

HOWARD. I know.
 
JIM. So what happened with you and Janice?
HOWARD. (shaking his head and looking away.) Nothing.
JIM. Nothing?
HOWARD (pointedly.) Nuh-thing!
JIM. But…
HOWARD. Drop it!

(There is a moment of silence as the two men stare at each other.)

HOWARD. Now. Do you want to have dinner with me?
JIM. (shrugs in resignation) Sure.
HOWARD. You don’t want soup, and we’ve already established that you don’t like peanut butter and jelly. How about grilled cheese?
JIM. How about going out for dinner?
HOWARD. (turning his back quickly on JIM) Out?
JIM. Yeah. Out.
HOWARD. You mean like out to a restaurant?
JIM. Yeah. Like out to a restaurant.
HOWARD. Out…of the question.
JIM. Why?
HOWARD. MSG. Almost all restaurants use it as a preservative, and I'm allergic to it.
JIM. Really?
HOWARD. Hives and swelling.
JIM. No kidding!
HOWARD. There's nothing funny about adrenaline shots, pal.
JIM. Well, how about if we call first and go to one that doesn't use that stuff?
HOWARD. What? And eat unpreserved food? You must be out of your mind. One thing I don't need is botulism!
JIM. (plunking down on the bed and nodding) Oh. I get it. This has nothing to do with MSG, does it?
HOWARD. (turning away from JIM again and playing with something on his desk.) Sure it does.
JIM. (Standing up and taking a couple of steps toward HOWARD.) What are you afraid of?
HOWARD. (whips around and faces JIM nervously.) I'm not afraid.
JIM. Great! Then where do you want to go?
HOWARD. (pauses for a minute, fidgeting and shuffling his feet, obviously nervous. Then, suddenly he nods vigorously, and takes quick, determined strides towards the door.) Okay then! Let's go!
(He throws the door open and stares out into the hall.)

JIM. You're kidding.
HOWARD. (without turning around) Let's go.
JIM. (Moving slowly towards the door.) Where?
HOWARD. (Still staring stone-faced into the hallway.)You tell me.
JIM. (Walks right up to HOWARD and stares directly into his eyes.) You sure?
HOWARD. (shouts) Let's freaking go!
JIM. (turns and begins heading out the door.) All right then!
HOWARD. (Grabs JIM by the arm.) Where?
JIM How about Ruby Tuesdays?
HOWARD. (shudders wallows hard and then nods.) Sounds good.
JIM. Okay
(starts heading out again.)

HOWARD (reaches out and grabs JIM by the collar of his shirt, almost strangling him.) Hold it.
JIM. (rips himself free from HOWARD's grasp and gasps for breath.) WHAT?
HOWARD. (grabs the door and slams it shut.) Tomorrow.
(He walks to the far end of the bed and plunks down on it with his back towards JIM.)

JIM. (confused) Tomorrow?
HOWARD. (Looks down to his lap and nods.) Tomorrow. (Looks up at JIM.) Okay?
JIM. You've got to be kidding.
HOWARD. (getting angry now.) Okay! You want me to beg? I'll beg. Please, can we hold off until tomorrow?
PLEASE!!!!

JIM. (Finally seeing HOWARD's fear.) All right, Howie. No big deal. Tomorrow.
HOWARD. (Looking back to his lap.) Thank you.
JIM. Where?
HOWARD. (shrugs) You decide.
JIM. Five o'clock?
HOWARD. (nodding.) Five o'clock. (looks up). Not four fifty-seven.
JIM: Okay. Sounds good. What are we going to have tonight.
HOWARD. I’m having soup and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or two. I’ve got no idea what you’re eating.
JIM. Why?
HOWARD. Because you already said that you don’t want the soup, and you hate peanut butter and jelly!
JIM. I could have a plain peanut butter sandwich.
HOWARD. (Stopping and looking at JIM in amusement.) You want a plain peanut butter sandwich for dinner?
JIM. (Thinks for a second, and then shakes his head.) Not really.
HOWARD. (Opening the refrigerator and taking out jelly and pan of soup.) Didn’t think so. See you tomorrow then.
JIM. (nods and smiles) You got it. (He then turns and heads back out the door.) See you then.

(Stops as he is closing the door and pops his head back in.)

(HOWARD nods and smiles weakly.)

JIM. Tomorrow then.

(HOWARD salutes slowly.)
(JIM closes the door.)

(Slow fade to blackout.)
 

ACT ONE

Sc. 3

The lights come up to flashback mode as YOUNG JIM and YOUNG HOWARD enter YOUNG JIM’s bedroom. YOUNG HOWARD flops down on the bed. He’s happy. YOUNG JIM sits at the foot of the bed. He seems to be preoccupied with something.

YOUNG HOWARD. Boy! That was some baseball game! We almost blew it! And Southwest has got the crummiest team in the league!
YOUNG JIM. We should have lost. We stunk. We left something like 300 men on base, and we couldn’t hit the ball to save our lives.
YOUNG HOWARD. Yeah! Thank God Randall Cranston was pitching! If it wasn’t for him, we’d have lost big time.
YOUNG JIM. Randall Cranston had nothing to do with it! Peter Meade’s the one who hit the two-run homer that put us in the lead!
YOUNG HOWARD. Yeah, but it was Randall Cranston who came in as relief pitcher in the last inning when they had the tying run on third and the winning run on second with only one out! Randall struck out two batters in a row. He won the game!
YOUNG JIM. Oh, for crying out loud, Howie! He didn’t win the game! He threw seven stinking pitches. That’s all he did!
YOUNG HOWARD. Yup. And he won the game.
YOUNG JIM. Sometimes you’re just stupid.
YOUNG HOWARD. What have you got against the guy anyway?
YOUNG JIM. He’s a jerk.
YOUNG HOWARD. No he’s not!
YOUNG JIM. Sure he is! He’s a self-centered, egotistical, loud-mouthed jock who thinks that the whole world revolves around him.
YOUNG HOWARD. How do you know that?
YOUNG JIM. For crying out loud Howie! Look how he acts! Struts down the corridors like he owns the place. Sits with his fellow jock Neanderthals at lunch, talking about himself at the top of lungs. Picking on kids smaller than him and beating them up. He’s just a loser jerk whose high point of his life is right now. He’s basking in the glory of small town headlines with his pitching. But it’s going to end here because he doesn’t have enough brains to get into a college where he can continue his jock career. So, his life has reached its climax right now. And then, all the remaining years of his life will be just one big, long denouement. He’s going to spend the next 70 years of his life in some local bar reminding everybody how he was called in at the top of the ninth in the game against Southwest, and he threw seven pitches to save the game. That will be his claim to fame! Big freaking deal. How pathetic!
YOUNG HOWARD. So you admit that he won the game.
YOUNG JIM. NO!

YOUNG HOWARD. You just said it!
YOUNG JIM. No I didn’t! I said that HE will say that he won the game. I didn’t say he won the game!
YOUNG HOWARD. Look. It’s just because you got this thing against Randy, that’s all. If anybody else came out in the top of the ninth and did what he did, you’d be singing his praises from here to eternity.
YOUNG JIM. No I wouldn’t.
YOUNG HOWARD. Yes. You would.
YOUNG JIM. You’re nuts.
YOUNG HOWARD. You KNOW you would!
YOUNG JIM. I don’t want to argue about it any more.
YOUNG HOWARD. Because you know I’m right.
YOUNG JIM. No, you’re not.
YOUNG HOWARD. It’s okay. You don’t want to admit it, but deep in your heart, you know I’m right.
YOUNG JIM. Let’s talk about something else.
YOUNG HOWARD. Okay…But you know I’m right!
YOUNG JIM. Will you shut up about it already?
YOUNG HOWARD. All right. But…
YOUNG JIM. HOWARD!!!!!!!!!! If you don’t shut up about it right now, you’ll never see Carol Stenson again! I mean it!

(Young Howard had his mouth open to say something. He clamps it shut.)

YOUNG JIM. That’s better.
YOUNG HOWARD. Can we look at that Playboy now?
YOUNG JIM. What?
YOUNG HOWARD. I said, can we look at that Playboy now? It’s been over a week since the last time I saw it.
YOUNG JIM. No.
YOUNG HOWARD. Why not?
YOUNG JIM. Because I’m not in the mood.
YOUNG HOWARD. How do you get OUT of the mood?
YOUNG JIM. What?
YOUNG HOWARD. (irritated) Nothing.

(There is a palpable silence in the room for about twenty seconds.)

YOUNG HOWARD. Jim. Can I ask you a serious question?
YOUNG JIM. What.
YOUNG HOWARD. Have you ever had sex?
YOUNG JIM. WHAT?
YOUNG HOWARD. You heard me. Have you ever had sex?
YOUNG JIM. What made you ask that?
YOUNG HOWARD. Thinking about Carol Stenson…Have you?
YOUNG JIM. Of course not! Have you?
YOUNG HOWARD. You mean with a partner?
YOUNG JIM. HOWARD!
YOUNG HOWARD. No. No I haven’t…with a partner.
YOUNG JIM. Howard! It’s a sin to masturbate! Not only that, but Father Donnelly says that you’ll go blind if you do.
YOUNG HOWARD. No. No you don’t. Trust me on this one. Father Donnelly’s wrong.
YOUNG JIM. Howard!
YOUNG HOWARD. Okay. Forget about sex. Let’s talk about something completely different. Let’s talk about love. Have you ever been in love?
YOUNG JIM. How should I know.
YOUNG HOWARD. Then you haven’t.
YOUNG JIM. How do you know that?
YOUNG HOWARD. Because if you were ever in love, you’d know it. It hits you like ton of bricks. It’s all that you can think about. It’s all-consuming. You wake up thinking about it, and you go to bed thinking about it.
YOUNG JIM. And then you masturbate.
YOUNG HOWARD. No. No you don’t. That’s sex. That’s not love. If you truly love, you don’t do anything that will desecrate or trivialize it.
YOUNG JIM. What the hell are talking about?
YOUNG HOWARD. You adore it. You worship it. You hold it up on a pedestal and you feel so grateful that it’s yours to venerate!
YOUNG JIM. And you know love, huh?
YOUNG HOWARD. Yes. Yes I do.
YOUNG JIM. Anybody I know?
YOUNG HOWARD. Janice Fullerton.
YOUNG JIM. You’re kidding!
YOUNG HOWARD. No. I’m not. Why would you say that?
YOUNG JIM. You’re telling me that you and Janice Fullerton are in love.
YOUNG HOWARD. Who said anything about her? We’re talking about me! I said that I’m in love! That’s all!
YOUNG JIM. You’re in love with Janice Fullerton.
YOUNG HOWARD. Yes.
YOUNG JIM. Howard! You’re not in love with Janice Fullerton!
YOUNG HOWARD. Yes. Yes. I’m pretty sure that I am.
YOUNG JIM. How can you be? Howard! You don’t even know her!

YOUNG HOWARD. Sure I do!
YOUNG JIM. No you don’t! Not well enough to love her.
YOUNG HOWARD. And how well do you have know somebody before you love them?

(YOUNG JIM thinks about it for a moment. Then waves off the question in disgust.)

YOUNG JIM. Okay. Maybe you do love her. Does she love you back?
YOUNG HOWARD. I don’t think so. No. No. I’m positive that she doesn’t. At least not yet.
YOUNG JIM. Well, doesn’t that bother you?
YOUNG HOWARD. No. It doesn’t bother me.
YOUNG JIM. Doesn’t it feel horrible that you love somebody and they don’t love you back/
YOUNG HOWARD. No. Just the feeling of love alone is wonderful. Just knowing that we share the planet is wonderful. And besides, she doesn’t even really know me…yet. Oh, she knows my name, but she doesn’t really know ME yet. But she will. And when she does, things will be as they should be.
YOUNG JIM. Uh-huh. And suppose…just suppose that she gets to know you, and she still doesn’t fall in love with you.
YOUNG HOWARD. That will be okay. My happiness comes from loving her. Not from her loving me. She doesn’t have to love me back. It would be GREAT if she did, but she doesn’t have to. And she can’t stop me from loving her. Besides, she will love me. She will. I know she will.
YOUNG JIM. I don’t know Howie. She’s a pretty popular babe. I wouldn’t want to see you get hurt.
YOUNG HOWARD. Don’t call her a babe. She’s not a babe. She’s a girl. A human being. And I love her. And I won’t get hurt.
YOUNG JIM. I don’t know, Howie.
YOUNG HOWARD. Because you don’t know love. Trust me. You don’t have to worry about me. There isn’t any way to fall here. I’m happy, and I’m fine.
YOUNG JIM. How can you be happy? I thought unrequited love was supposed to be the biggest heartache that there was.
YOUNG HOWARD. Well, it’s not. I love her. It’s just that simple. And it feels good. It feels good to know that I have the capacity to love. Don’t you understand?
YOUNG JIM. No.
YOUNG HOWARD. Then I feel sorry for you. And who says that my love is unrequited anyway? She doesn’t love me yet, but she’s going to. I feel it in my bones.
WOMAN’S VOICE (offstage) Jimmy! Supper’s ready!
YOUNG JIM. Okay Mom.
WOMAN’S VOICE. Does Howard want to stay for dinner?
YOUNG JIM. Do you want to stay over for dinner.
YOUNG HOWARD. I don’t know. What are you having?
YOUNG JIM. Shepherd’s pie.
YOUNG HOWARD. Yuck.
YOUNG JIM. No, Mom. He’s not staying.
WOMAN’S VOICE. Well, get washed up and get down here. Everything’s getting cold.
YOUNG JIM. Yes Mom! I’m coming.
YOUNG HOWARD. Cold shepherd’s pie. Gross!
YOUNG JIM. (heading for the door.) Come on. I’ve got to go.
YOUNG HOWARD. (following YOUNG JIM out the door.) Jim. Seriously. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m happy.
YOUNG JIM. I don’t understand it.

YOUNG HOWARD. That doesn’t make it not so.
 

 
You okay?