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(JANICE screws up her face in an attempt to figure out what was just said. Then she gives up, smiles at YOUNG HOWARD shyly and walks offstage.YOUNG HOWARD turns and watches her leave. He shrugs and also exits.)
JIM. (breaking his freeze.) I don’t remember that.
HOWARD (breaking his freeze,walks over to the bed and sits on it.) I do.
JIM. What was she crying about?
HOWARD. I don’t remember.
JIM. You had a close encounter with Janice Fullerton and you don’t remember every last little detail? I don’t believe it!
HOWARD. It was something dumb like a boyfriend broke up with her or somebody made fun of her hairdo. Anyway, that wasn’t the point.
JIM. What was the point?
HOWARD. (standing up and obviously tired of the questions.) The point was, and is, she knew that I was Howard Lazarini.
JIM. I don’t get it.
HOWARD. That really doesn’t surprise me.
JIM. It was important that she knew your name.
HOWARD. Yes.
JIM. But why? Because she was such a popular girl?
HOWARD. No. The individual isn’t the important thing here. The important thing is that someone, anyone, remembered my name. The "who" isn’t important.
JIM. If you say so.
HOWARD. Of course.
JIM. (Standing up and moving around the room). I’m getting hungry.
HOWARD. Would you like me to nuke you some soup?
JIM. Uh. No thanks.
HOWARD. Want some popcorn?
(JIM shakes his head
HOWARD. Peanut butter and jelly?
JIM. Hate peanut butter and jelly.
(HOWARD stops and stares at him in disbelief.)
HOWARD. What do you mean you hate peanut butter and jelly?
JIM (emphatically). I hate peanut butter and jelly.
HOWARD. And you grew up in America? Interesting. Tell me, is it the peanut butter you hate or the jelly?
(JIM just stares at him, shakes his head and laughs.)
HOWARD. I'm serious! Do you hate the peanut butter or the jelly?
JIM. Neither.
HOWARD. Explain please.
JIM. I love peanut butter, and I love all kinds of jelly.
HOWARD. So what you hate is the combination?
JIM. Peanut butter and jelly.
HOWARD. Fascinating.
(HOWARD rummages through the refrigerator.)
JIM. What special afternoon?
HOWARD (still rummaging). Excuse me?
JIM. Janice wrote that she would never forget you, especially after that "special afternoon." What special afternoon?
HOWARD (Stops rummaging. Stands up. Takes a deep breath.) None of your business.
JIM. (Walks up to HOWARD) Come on, Howie. You can tell me.
HOWARD. (Looks at JIM earnestly.) You're right. (Pause. Then goes back to rummaging.) But I'm not going to.
JIM. Why not?
HOWARD. Because I don't want to, and I don't have to.
JIM. (Walks over and plops on the bed.) Oh, for crying out loud, Howie! You are such a damned baby!
HOWARD. Am not.
JIM. Are to.
HOWARD. Am not. Am not. AM NOT! (Stamps his foot in mock frustration.)
JIM. Okay. You don't have to tell me. You're entitled to your privacy.
HOWARD. It's really okay with you if I don't tell you?
JIM.(Shrugs and then nods.) Yeah.
HOWARD (Runs over to the bed and sits next to JIM.) Okay then. I'll tell you.
JIM. Howard!
HOWARD. There's really not that much to it. We met one day behind the baseball bleachers after school. We laid down on the grass and…well…
JIM (sitting bold upright). You made out?!
(HOWARD shrugs.)
JIM. With Janice Fullerton!
(HOWARD shrugs again.)
JIM. Holy mackerel! And then what happened?
(HOWARD looks at JIM and raises one eyebrow.)
JIM. Nooooo!
(HOWARD smiles.)
JIM. With Janice Fullerton?!
HOWARD. (Stands up.) Well now. What are we going to do about dinner?
JIM. I can't believe it!
HOWARD. Yes. Time does fly, but it is getting close to the dinner hour.
JIM. Why didn't you tell me?
HOWARD. I just did. I said, 'It's getting close to the dinner hour.'
JIM. You know what I'm talking about.
HOWARD. It wasn't any of your business.
JIM. So why did you tell me now?
HOWARD. Because it happened thirty years ago.
JIM. So what are you going to do about it?
HOWARD. Jim. It was over thirty years ago. It is in the past. People don’t "do something about" things that have already happened.
JIM. Sure they do.
HOWARD. Then they’re idiots.
(JIM laughs.)
.)
(JIM and HOWARD) are standing stage right. Stage left lighting goes down gradually. Howard is now looking for something to say to quickly change the subject.)
Jim. (Shaking his head in disbelief.) You know, I really can’t believe that you and Janice were an item, and I didn’t even have a clue about it!
HOWARD. To be perfectly honest with you Jim, your memory is faulty. But don’t be alarmed. It happens to most of us as we age.
JIM. What are talking about Howard?
HOWARD. I thought we established that we were talking about your memory, or have you forgotten?
JIM. (smirking) Very funny. I meant, "What is wrong with my memory?"
HOWARD. (shrugs) I’m not exactly sure. Something about chemical reactions and electrical charges not quite making the synaptic leaps. (Lights come up stage left. Howard and Jim freeze. YOUNG JIM enters stage left. He has his books and a brown bag lunch. He sees Janice, who has her back to him as she eats. He hesitates. Looks away. Turns to leave. Considers. Then turns back. Squaring his shoulders, he resolutely walks up behind JANICE.) (JANICE is startled by this intrusion. Her face shows that she is not happy with the interruption of her thoughts. When she sees YOUNG JIM, she realizes that he is not from her caste level. She turns away from him and sniffs the air indignantly.) (YOUNG JIM considers leaving again. But once again, he decides against it, and he pretends not to see her displeasure. He happily plops down on the ground next to her.)
JIM. (getting exasperated) I don’t want the physical explanation of how memory works! I mean, what is it that I’ve forgotten?
HOWARD. Oh! Well, it’s not that you’ve forgotten anything per se. It’s just that you, ah, you tried to stop me from being hurt by her one time.
(JANICE enters stage left in the dark. Sits down with her school books. Opens a paper bag and starts eating her lunch.)
JIM. I did not.
HOWARD. Yes. You did.
JIM. When?
HOWARD. One warm spring day. It was about a week after the incident when she dropped her books in the school corridor. Janice was sitting outside eating her lunch under a tree…
YOUNG JIM. May I sit here?
JANICE. It’s a free country.
YOUNG JIM. I’m Jim Sawczuk. You and I are in English literature together.
JANICE. (Still staring off) I know.
(YOUNG JIM takes out his lunch, and begins eating. He notices her looking away, and follows her gaze off stage right.) (JANICE rolls her eyes and continues eating and staring off stage right.) (JANICE continues to ignore him.) (JANICE looks over at YOUNG JIM and the wedge of lemon, wondering wordlessly why he is so excited.) (YOUNG JIM pops the whole thing in his mouth and begins chewing it up. JANICE cringes and then shudders violently.) (JANICE pretends not be interested, but we can see that she is just pretending. YOUNG JIM also see this, but he is enjoying teasing her.) (YOUNG JIM nods, expecting her to make some rude comment.) (YOUNG JIM shrugs and doesn’t say anything.) (YOUNG JIM fidgets and still says nothing.) (JANICE is silent.) (YOUNG JIM just stares at her, raising an eyebrow as if to say, "Yeah. Right.") (YOUNG JIM stands silent for a moment with his mouth shut tight.) (JANICE starts to respond to this, when suddenly RANDALL enters from stage left.) (YOUNG JIM quickly gathers up his things, and exits stage left.) (School bell sounds) (JANICE and RANDALL exit stage left. Lights come up on stage right, and HOWARD and JIM break the freeze.)
YOUNG JIM. (brightly) What are you looking at?
YOUNG JIM (undaunted) Sure is a beautiful day out here today.
YOUNG JIM. Yup. Sure is. Absolutely beautiful. (Nudges her with his elbow.) I love the spring time. Don’t you?
JANICE. Yes. It’s very nice.
YOUNG JIM (encouraged by getting her to say something) Everything just seems so fresh and crisp and warm in the spring, doesn’t it?
JANICE. (her eyes glazing over again) Uh-huh.
YOUNG JIM. (rummages around in his lunch bag. Pulls out a lemon wedge wrapped in waxed paper.) What’s this? (He unwraps it. Smiles broadly.) Lemon! Oh boy!
YOUNG JIM (noticing her looking at him). I love lemons! They keep you alert, and they freshen your breath and wake you up! They explode in your mouth with flavor and sensations that only pure citrus can give! Mom knows I love them. So every once in a while she packs some in my lunch for me.
JANICE. Why?
YOUNG JIM. Because she loves me.
JANICE. I mean, why are you so excited? It’s just a stupid lemon. What do you do with it?
YOUNG JIM. What do you think I do with it? I eat it.
JANICE. Raw?
YOUNG JIM. Uh-huh.
JANICE. But isn’t it sour?
YOUNG JIM. Uh-huh.
JANICE. And you eat it anyway?
JANICE. Gross!
YOUNG JIM. (pulls another lemon wedge wrapped in waxed paper out of his lunch bag.) Here’s another one! (Offers it to JANICE.) Want it?
JANICE (shudders involuntarily again. Then she begins to pick up her things to move to a different location) No. Thank you.
YOUNG JIM (speaking with a sense of urgency now when he sees that JANICE is getting ready to leave). I have a friend of mine who I think is in love you.
JANICE (stopping her packing up). What?
YOUNG JIM. I said that I have a friend of mine who I think is love with you.
JANICE. (smiling) Lots of boys are in love with me.
YOUNG JIM. I mean truly.
JANICE .( mildly amused) Really?
YOUNG JIM. (nodding) Uh-huh.
JANICE. (finally) Well?
YOUNG JIM. Well what?
JANICE. Well? Are you going to tell me who it is?
YOUNG JIM. Oh! Do you really want to know?
JANICE. (resuming her haughty demeanor) Actually, I could care less.
YOUNG JIM. (shrugs and smiles) Okay.
(He goes back to eating his much.)
JANICE. (after a few more moments of silence.) Oh, for crying out loud! Who is it?
YOUNG JIM. You sure you want to know?
JANICE. (sighs deeply) Yes!
YOUNG JIM (hesitates for a moment and then says) Okay. I’ll tell you. But you’ve got to promise not laugh, and you’ve got to promise not to make fun of him.
JANICE. (guardedly) All right.
YOUNG JIM. Promise?
JANICE. Yes! I promise.
YOUNG JIM. Really?
JANICE. (about at the end of her rope.) Really!
YOUNG JIM. Okay. It’s…Howard Lazarini!
JANICE. (silent for a moment. Then she smiles.) Howard?
JANICE. I like Howard. (JANICE and YOUNG JIM lock eyes for a moment. Then JANICE continues, a bit flustered.) I…ah….I mean I know Howard. And yes, I like him. Sort of. I mean I don’t like him like him. But I like him. Kinda. He’s sweet. He helped me pick up my books once when I dropped them all over the hallway. Yeah, I like him.
YOUNG JIM (stunned by her reaction) You’re kidding. I thought that…never mind.
JANICE. What?
YOUNG JIM. (waving her off) Nothing.
JANICE. Tell me!
YOUNG JIM. Well, it’s just that…I thought that you’d …laugh when I told you it was Howard. I thought you’d make fun of him.
JANICE. Why would I do that?
JANICE. (the lightbulb going on in her head.) You think I’m a snob. That’s it, isn’t it? You thought that I’d put Howard down because I considered him to be beneath me. Didn’t you?
JANICE. (louder) Didn’t you?!
YOUNG JIM. Yes.
JANICE (standing up with all of her things in her arms) You’re a creep.
YOUNG JIM (offended) No I’m not!
JANICE. Yes you are!
YOUNG JIM. I am not! I just…well…Howard IS in love with you, and I thought that you should know, but I didn’t want you to hurt him.
JANICE. Why would you think I’d hurt him?
YOUNG JIM. You could hurt him and not even mean to or know that you did.
JANICE. How?
YOUNG JIM. Well, he might get up the nerve some century to ask you out. Would you go out with him?
JANICE. You mean like on a date?
YOUNG JIM. (shrugs) He might. Would you go out with him?
YOUNG JIM. (nodding) Uh-huh. See? So, I thought if I warned you in advance, that maybe you’d have time to find some way of just…well…letting him down easy… if he ever does say anything to you.
JANICE. He’s not in love with me.
YOUNG JIM. Yes. He is.
JANICE. He hardly even knows me. We only actually talked once in our entire lives!
YOUNG JIM. Heck. He never even MET Carol Stenson, and he’s completely ga-ga over her! Trust me. He’s in love with you.
JANICE. That’s impossible.
YOUNG JIM. Wait a minute. You said you only spoke to him once, and yet you told me that you knew him and liked him.
JANICE. But not liked liked him.
YOUNG JIM. What’s that supposed to mean?
JANICE. (She stares at him as if he were a chimp, not believing that he doesn’t know what she means.) Never mind.
YOUNG JIM. Look. In one breath, you say that it is so unbelievable that Howard is totally zonked over you, because he doesn’t even know you. Then, with the next breath, you say that you really like Howard, even though you’ve only actually talked to him once!
JANICE. It’s different.
YOUNG JIM. Why?
JANICE. Because I sort of knew Howard before, by reputation.
YOUNG JIM. (stops for a moment. Then shakes his head.) You’re telling me that you like Howard based on things that you’ve heard about him at school? For crying out loud! People think of him as a complete, psychopathic jerk!
JANICE. No they don’t! Well, not all of them.
JANICE. Well, they all don’t! Some say that he’s just a little strange, that’s all. And I’ve seen him in classes where he argues with the teachers, and really gives them a run for their money! He’s smart.
YOUNG JIM. I’ll give you that. He is smart. But you don’t seem to be the type of girl who is attracted to a high I.Q. No offense.
JANICE. I beg your pardon!
YOUNG JIM. Oh, come off it!
JANICE. What?
YOUNG JIM. Look at the guys you go out with!
JANICE. (put out and offended.) I don’t know what you’re talking about.
YOUNG JIM. Are you telling me that you consider Randall Cranston genius material?
JANICE. Randy’s a very smart young man.
YOUNG JIM. Randall Cranston doesn’t understand anything that’s not in the baseball play book! And even then, he needs to get the illustrated edition, and Coach has to help him out with the bigger words, like "Out"!
JANICE. That’s not fair! You seem to be upset that people pre-judge your friend Howard, but it’s perfectly all right for you to pre-judge my boyfriend!
YOUNG JIM. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. It was wrong of me to say that. I’m sorry.
JANICE. Forget it.
YOUNG JIM. Look, all I was trying to say was that Howard is a good guy, and he’s got this huge crush on you, even more than every other guy in the school. I just don’t want him to get hurt, that’s all.
RANDALL. Hey there, Janice! What’s going on?
JANICE. (stands up and quickly primps) Hi Randy!
RANDALL. (Walking right up to YOUNG JIM and getting right in his face. He taps YOUNG JIM hard with a finger into his shoulder.) Who are you?
YOUNG JIM. Jim Sawczuk.
RANDALL. How come I don’t ever remember seeing you around school before?
YOUNG JIM. Because I spend most of time in classes, the library, and other places that you don’t frequent.
RANDALL Huh?
JANICE. (getting between them) It’s okay, Randy. He’s a friend of mine.
RANDALL (Stepping back and sizing YOUNG JIM up.) Is that right?
YOUNG JIM. Yes. It is. And I’ve got to get going.
RANDALL. (calling after him) Got a hot date with somebody in the library?
JANICE. It’s nice to see you Randy. Want to meet me after school today in the usual place?
RANDALL. (shakes his head) No can do, babe. Coach called a late practice today on account of we sucked so bad against East Catholic yesterday.
JANICE. Oh! Okay. Walk me to class?
