ACT ONE

Sc.2

                (It is the same scene as Scene One with the exception of the light coming in from the window. The light should give the impression of cloudiness because it is raining outside. As the lights come up, we hear the sound of a shower running from the bathroom.  After a few seconds, we hear a knock on the entrance door.)

JIM (Offstage): Howard? …Look, I know you’re in there!  You never come out of there!  (Three more knocks.) Howard?  You’re not dead or something are you?  (Door opens and JIM sticks his head in the room.) Howard? (JIM steps into the room. He looks around and grows concerned.) Come on, Howie. I know you’re here!  (Walks around the room. Suddenly he focuses on the window.) Oh my God! (As he’s running to the window.) You didn’t do something stupid did you? (Leans out the window and looks down. After a few seconds, he comes back in and breathes a sigh of relief. Then he focuses on the bed. A smile comes over his face.) I know what’s going on! (He is speaking as he moves toward the bed, coming down between the bed and the desk.) I remember this from when we were kids! You’d hide under the bed when I came into your room, and when I passed near, you’d reach out and grab my leg and scare the crap out of me! Well, it’s not going to work this time, pal!

                (Jim drops down to his knees and pushes his head under the bed.)

JIM. I gotcha!

                (At this, HOWARD comes out of the bathroom wearing socks and boxer shorts. He is toweling his hair dry and walking rapidly towards the bed. JIM pulls out from under the bed and turns. Seeing HOWARD right behind him, he screams and falls back on the bed. HOWARD also screams and falls into the desk  chair.)

HOWARD. What the heck are you doing here?

JIM. Showing up at five o’clock like we agreed!

HOWARD. Don’t you knock?

JIM. I did. You didn’t answer.

HOWARD. I was in the shower!

JIM. Well we said five o’clock.

HOWARD. You’re early!

JIM. No way!

HOWARD. Yes, you are!

(The distant clock chimes five times.)

HOWARD. See?

JIM. Oh, for crying out loud!

HOWARD. I told you that you were early.

JIM. Yeah, well now I’m not, and you’re not ready!

HOWARD. I would have been if you weren’t early. You scared my so badly now I have to use the bathroom! (He stands up indignantly and wraps the towel around his waist.) Next time, wait until I answer the door!

JIM. Next time, don’t be in the shower when we’re supposed to meet!

HOWARD(walking into the bathroom) You were early! (Closes the door.)

JIM. Three minutes.

HOWARD. (Poking his head out of the bathroom.)  Still early!  (Pulls his head back in and slams the door.)

(JIM walks over to the bookshelf by the window and begins idly letting his fingers walk across the top of the books as he talks.)

JIM: So, tell me Howard, what did you do for excitement today?

HOWARD (offstage). None of your business.

JIM. (Looking at the books) Oh, come on Howie! I’m curious.

(Sounds of HOWARD gargling)

JIM. Don’t be so damned contrary! You must have done something for excitement! I mean, you couldn’t have spent your whole day bothering people with telemarketing and listening to classical music. You must have done something fun.

HOWARD (Entering the room in white socks, pants, no shirt and a towel draped around his shoulders.) I gargled.

JIM. Oh, for crying out loud!

HOWARD. What? What’s the matter with that? Not good enough for you? Okay. What did you do today that was so thrilling?

JIM. I went for a walk.

HOWARD. So did I.

JIM. In the woods by the Wadsworth Falls.

HOWARD. Around my room.

JIM. I probably walked longer.

HOWARD. Perhaps. But, somehow, we both ended up right here right now, and I didn’t expend as much energy as you did.  So. What else did you fill your day with?

JIM. I don’t know. I guess I went back home and did a load of laundry.

HOWARD. Fascinating. I didn’t have to go home, because I was home. And mother washes my clothes for me.

JIM. She does?

HOWARD. Something’s wrong with that? She loves me. So she does my laundry when she does her own. She also dries my clothes and folds them.

JIM. She does a lot for you.

HOWARD. She doesn’t iron them. I do that for myself.

JIM. She still does a lot for you.

HOWARD (shrugs) She’s a mother. That’s what she lives for.  What else did you do?

JIM. Ate lunch.

HOWARD. Me too!

JIM. Washed my car.

HOWARD. Don’t have a car. So it didn’t need washing.

JIM. I can’t think of anything else.

HOWARD. Nothing?

JIM. Nothing that stands out.

HOWARD (voice dripping with sarcasm) Sounds pretty exciting to me.

JIM. (Pulling a book off the shelf.) Hey! I remember this! This is our high school yearbook!

HOWARD. So what else did you do today?

JIM. Nothing.

HOWARD. Nothing? Nothing else? What about dinner? Did you have dinner?

JIM. No.

HOWARD. No? You didn’t have dinner? I can’t believe it.

JIM. All right Howie.  What did you have for dinner?

HOWARD. What, are you crazy? It’s only five after five. Too early for dinner.

(JIM sits down in desk chair and begins flipping through the yearbook)

JIM. Look at this! I haven’t seen this in years! Look at the uniforms they used to make us wear! I used to hate to wear them.

HOWARD. Did you now? I used to love them. Made us stand out from the public school kids.

JIM. I think that’s what I hated most about them! My friends in the public schools would make fun of me.

HOWARD. I didn’t have any public school friends. Didn’t want any. They were scum.

JIM (laughing). No they weren’t.

HOWARD. My mother used to say that they were heathens.

JIM. Are you kidding?

HOWARD. I never kid.

JIM. But a lot of them were Catholic too.

HOWARD. Even worse! They knew better, and they still went to public schools!

JIM. (flipping through the pages). Hey. How come there’s no writing in this thing? Every other yearbook I’ve ever seen has the graduates writing stupid little blurbs next to or around their pictures. This one has nothing.

HOWARD. I never gave my yearbook to anybody to sign. Too messy.

JIM. You’re missing something then.

HOWARD. Oh, yeah. I’m missing something because I don’t have any “Remember when’s” and “I’ll never forget’s” scrawled through the pages of my high school yearbook, filled with misspellings!

JIM. (stops flipping pages.) Hey. Wait a minute. There is some writing in here. Janice Fullerton? I don’t believe it! The cutest babe in our class wrote something in your yearbook!

HOWARD. (trying to take the book out of JIM’s hands.) All right. Give me that.

JIM. (Jumps up and moves towards the window, reading from the book.) “Howard. I will never forget you, especially after that special afternoon. Others may think you are strange, but I know the real you. It is because you are different that I am so attracted to you! Dare to be yourself!  Love Always, Janice.”

(HOWARD’s hands drop to his sides and he stops dead in his tracks as JIM reads the inscription. He stares at the floor and endures the words being read.)

JIM. Holy Mackerel! Janice Fullerton had the hots for you!

HOWARD. (grimacing) She didn’t have the hots for me!

JIM (reading again) “It is because you are different that I am so attracted to you.” (shaking his head and chuckling) Sure sounds like the hots to me!

HOWARD.(Right up in JIM’s face.) Don’t make fun of it.

JIM. I not making fun of it. I’m just incredulous! You and I were best friends, and I never knew that you and Janice were an item. Heck, I never knew you and anybody were an item.

(HOWARD shrugs and walks downstage staring at the floor. He stops in front of the telephone.)

JIM. I always remember you as being so shy around girls. I never remember you ever even dating. I don’t think you ever even talked to a girl when I was around.

HOWARD. (still staring at the floor. He nods slowly and speaks softly.) Once.

(Lights dim and JIM & HOWARD freeze.  From DR enters JANICE. She enters from in front of the set pieces. She is dressed in a Catholic School uniform and carrying a stack of school books in the crook of her arm.  She drops her books, and they go everywhere. As she stoops to pick them up, YOUNG JIM & YOUNG HOWARD enter DL in front of the set pieces. YOUNG JIM, YOUNG HOWARD and JANICE are seventeen years old.

YOUNG JIM. (Nudges YOUNG HOWARD) Go help her! Now’s your chance to make to brownie points.

YOUNG HOWARD (resisting) I don’t want to make brownie points.

YOUNG JIM. Oh, for crying out loud Howard! That’s Janice Fullerton! Everyone wants to make brownie points with her.

YOUNG HOWARD. Then why don’t you go?

YOUNG JIM. Because I…I thought you told me before that you really liked her.

YOUNG HOWARD. From afar! I like her from afar! Up close is too scary!

(While this is going on, JANICE is having a terrible time with her books. They keep falling. Finally, they all fall out her hands again. Frustrated, she plops down on the ground and crosses her arms in front of her.)

YOUNG JIM. (Giving YOUNG HOWARD a mighty shove.) Now’s your big chance!

(YOUNG HOWARD ends up right next to JANICE.)

YOUNG HOWARD (extremely nervous) Hi.

JANICE. (looking away) Hi.

YOUNG HOWARD. I, um, I noticed you’re sitting right in the middle of the corridor.

(JANICE doesn’t respond.)

YOUNG HOWARD. I only mention it because, um, well, you’re sort of a safety hazard.

(JANICE doesn’t respond. YOUNG JIM, watching the whole thing throws his hands up in disbelief.)

YOUNG HOWARD. (seeing YOUNG JIM’s reaction.) I mean, the bell’s going to ring in two minutes, and then kids will come flying out of the classrooms and, well, they could trip over you and get hurt.

YOUNG JIM (slapping his forehead.) Holy mackerel!

(As the following action takes place between YOUNG HOWARD and JANICE, YOUNG JIM discreetly moves off stage.)

YOUNG HOWARD. (seeing YOUNG JIM’s reaction and turning back to JANICE) And you could get hurt too. I, um, I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.

(JANICE turns and looks at him for the first time. Tears are streaming down her face.)

YOUNG HOWARD. You’re already hurt! Did the books land on your toes when they fell?

(JANICE smiles at this.)

JANICE. You’re Howard Lazarini, aren’t you?

YOUNG HOWARD. Yes. Is that okay?

JANICE. Is it what?

YOUNG HOWARD. (shaking his head) Nothing. Did you get hurt?

JANICE. (scrambling to her feet and trying to gather up her books) Of course I didn’t get hurt. What makes you think that?

YOUNG HOWARD. You’re crying.

JANICE. (wiping away a tear) I am not crying.

YOUNG HOWARD (helping her with her books) Okay.

JANICE. Well, I mean, I not crying because I got hurt.

YOUNG HOWARD. Okay.

JANICE. I mean, not physically hurt.

YOUNG HOWARD. The books hurt you non-physically.

JANICE (Gives a slight laugh in spite of herself.) No. The books didn’t hurt me at all.

YOUNG HOWARD. Okay.

JANICE. I’ve got to go now.

YOUNG HOWARD. Okay.

(JANICE crosses in front of YOUNG HOWARD. Then she stops and turns to him.)

JANICE. Thank you for helping me with my books.

YOUNG HOWARD. Okay.

(JANICE turns to walk away. She gets about two steps when HOWARD speaks.)

YOUNG HOWARD. Janice?

JANICE (stops and turns to him.) Yes?

YOUNG HOWARD. (shrugs and looks down, a little embarrassed.) Thank you for knowing that I’m Howard Lazarini.

(JANICE screws up her face in an attempt to figure out what was just said. Then she gives up, smiles at YOUNG HOWARD shyly and walks offstage. YOUNG HOWARD turns and watches her leave.)