It's a new day. But it's another day. Am I going to live my life today or am I going to stand by and observe, as the sun rises and sets as it does every day? As the world outside continues its ebb and flow while I perceive myself as simply standing still.

I don't like to admit that I am afraid to live my life. I try to insulate myself from rejection and failure. I, like most others, am afraid to get hurt.

I have found it hard to subsist on the small victories and the few blessings that cannot even begin to fill the holes in my life.

Even writing about this is painful. There is some sort of shame attached to publicly airing your private sadness. But perhaps it is time that I be open and honest about what torments me deep inside.

This place where I am is not about the pursuit of happiness. It is about feeling joy and satisfaction. It is about finding that place where the heart is embraced and the mind is calmed.

I have purposefully removed myself from this site and from the sight of those in my small circle so that my true feelings would not be viewed. But I have found in recent weeks that pieces of my shattered self have become evident to others and I am not capable of a cover-up any longer.

Today I make myself accountable by removing the thinning facade of complacency and baring the sensitive parts of my heart and mind. By doing this I believe it will make me and keep me honest.

I know that change is not about my doctor prescribing another medication or increasing the dosage of the one I am on. It is about a change in mind, an attitude of dealing and no longer denying.

I can't hide any more. And I believe that by writing and posting his I can begin to work through my conflicts and difficulties and begin to build a better life for myself. And for my children.