Definitely doesn't describe my appearance or demeanor today. Far from it. It has been one of those sweat pants days, where you throw on a t-shirt, snuggle into warm socks, and watch the snow fall from indoors.

I was wired much of the day, worrying about my dad's surgery and hoping that he came through it without any glitches. His heart isn't exactly as strong as it once was. The hardening in his arteries keeps him from simple activities, like walking through a grocery store with my mother. Waiting for a phone call got more nerve wracking as the evening wore on.

Finally my little sister called after nine. The doctor removed a few sections of my dad's colon, the largest being about four inches long. I guess there were "precancerous" polyps removed and also my dad's lymph nodes from that areas as well. The removed sections will be biopsied, but the surgeon felt positive that there were no signs of cancer. We will know the results from the biopsies in a couple days.

My dad's heart rate did spike while he was in recovery so he is in a room on the heart floor. It will take approximately 24 hours of blood tests to determine if he did suffer a heart attack, but they were able to stabilize him. He has a tube through his nose that goes into his stomach and an epidural for his lower body to manage the pain. My dad also has a "button" so that he can regulate more pain medication. I guess he will be in the hospital for a minimum of five days, so it is good that he is comfortable.

I hate that I am so far away but sort of being the outsider of the family I would probably be uncomfortable if I were there. I realize how stupid that sounds, but I have found that blood doesn't make people tight. Unconditional, unselfish love does.

I have learned the hard way that just because someone gives birth to you or one that you have given birth to doesn't make you close or even bonded. I don't know why this is, but sadly many can attest that this is true. When the holidays come around, especially at the end of the year, this divide that exists feels even bigger.

There is an up side to disappointment and dysfunction. You learn how NOT to be with your children, your loved ones, and your friends. You learn not to take for granted those cherished friendships and special relationships that give your life meaning.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful relationship with my ten year old daughter. Ironically, we are bonded much like her brother and I were when he was younger(even though he doesn't realize or recognize it now), but I have been the single steadfast parent in her life. My daughter's aunt tells me that we will be best friends as adults and be close all of our lives. She can see this; I have done something right.

I guess I can go to bed tonight semi-relieved. I am pleased that my dad is okay, and I hope my nervous mother at home is getting some sleep. My daughter is asleep, and R went to bed awhile ago in anticipation of having to go plow later tonight or early tomorrow.

I see it is tomorrow now. I guess this is a good time to end this post. Very punny.

(Thinking to self:"...bloggles the mind" Smiling coyly.)

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