Life to Live Turns...

I have been busy writing a list this morning of everything I need (and want) to get done before heading off to the health spa, I mean hospital, tomorrow morning. When wearing my rose colored glasses, I get excited about my flat tummy and lifted butt I will have when I come home from my simple procedures. When I take my glasses off I am reminded that my butt will still be big when I am discharged but my tummy may be a wee bit smaller after they take out the ten-month baby hotel that both of my children vacationed in. It has been more fun to read blogs, comment, and generally waste time, because I know that if I were to truly write that damn list it would take more paper than a 12 pack of Cottonelle's finest.

My relaxing stay, due to a nice Morphine drip and a button to press that goes nowhere (according to my son), should last about the weekend. I hope to come home on Sunday so I can see daughter off to school Monday and feel some sense of normalcy despite my pain killer induced haze. Before I go anywhere, the nurse informed that I must produce the most basic of human productions, so cheer me on, all.

Honestly, though, I know once the initial surgery and recovery are complete I will feel much better. I think that I have gotten so accustomed to the changes that it has become normal for me, and to return to the way things should be and have all my parts handily returned to their original positions will make a world of difference.

More honesty, too. I am scared sh--less, at least a little bit. I am a control freak, and I hate the idea of being put under. This is the most involved surgery I have ever had, and I think I would rather push that big ten-and-a half-pound kid out again (which I did nearly 18 years ago to the day, the eighteenth) because then I know what would be in store. But, the recovery from that was months, not weeks, so I guess I am better off in the long run.

I have been around on Blogster and MyBloggers in the past couple of weeks, but rarely posting as I have been trying to conquer the inconvenient bronchitis that invaded my gorgeous self. After lots of rest and sleep, and a complete dose of Zithro, I am well on my way to my next physical challenge. Weird, it sounds like I am likening it to going on the Biggest Loser or something. The political babble over at Blogster has been as heated as ever, but I find reprieve on mybloggers where most post about the simpler more comforting mainstays of life. Still, the fray at Blogster has been entertaining at least.

I can't believe the day is almost here. My horsey friend has gotten out her jumper that she wore to my nose surgery and tubal ligation (not all in the same day) and is ready once more to be asked if she is my mother. Far from it, but she is the sister that was never born into my dysfunctional family. We get quite a kick out of the staff thinking we are related. I only rue the fact that I was born fifteen years later than her because I, actually both us, can see us having quite the good time in the sixties...lol.

My other sister that isn't by blood is my daughter's aunt, actually my former sister-in-law. She and I are both the red-headed stepchildren (not literally). We are two chicks on a mission too, just waiting for the time to come when we set ourselves free of the male persuasion we seem to be dependent on and make the life we can only talk about right now.

I had a falling out this week with most of the key players in my little medical drama. Sort of sounds like a soap opera, huh? R has proven that he is as resistant as ever to being a grown up, so I have blown him off, even moving out the bedroom. Then my sister made very certain that I understood what kind of loser and user she believes me to be, not to mention my parents who don't have the kahunas to tell me to my face, or at least on the phone. Finally, after 43 years of useless trying to win their approval and unconditional love, I said fooey on it and told them that I am dead to them all. My sister who is one year, one month, and one day younger than I has been through this surgery and then another one - to cut ten inches of her dead small intestine off that got mashed between what was left in there - and all that can be said or done is to let them know how I am. No questions as to who is going to care for daughter when I am blitzed on pain meds next week. Or how the bills are going to get paid so I can hang on to my state-funded health insurance so I don't have to wait for something to die inside me to have this problem corrected.

I know, all this drama right before surgery is bad. Throw it at me James! But I am relieved, dare I say, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I finally told the lot of them that are related to me by blood only that I don't need their approval anymore. I am free. And I am not putting up with R's crap anymore either. Just because I am stuck now does not mean I will be in the future, and if he can't be on MY team, then he can go off elsewhere while I get the good drugs. Yes, this IS all about ME!

And no, I am not going to die, have a brain aneurysm (can't spell that one and no medical book in sight), or turn into a vegetable. I have been through tougher and worse and have come out unscathed. I have a good fifty years left to go. For my kids' sake I hope all of them include my unwavering sanity and infamous coherence.

All joking aside, it sucks that I got to do this. But this is necessary to prevent further problems, and on the other side I will be better. If something were to happen, I have no regrets. I have been done beating up on myself for a long time now. I did what I had to do. And I brought into this world the two most beautiful, talented, smart children that I could have ever dreamed of. And I would leave behind the best friends a girl could ever have wanted.

But I am going to live! You better get used to me because I intend to be surfing around these blog sites for many more years. Occasionally ranting but mostly rambling on about the wonderful simple things in life like a beautiful sun and slightly spooky wind that we are experiencing today.

Cheers all! It is the first day of the rest of my life.

Debbie