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  I love Saturday. It's a chance to unwind a little. I'm wound WAY to tight believe you me. I worry about so many things I have absoulutly no control over at all. Someone said, if you pray why worry and if you worry why pray....I worry about that :).Â
   I rummage around in the past trying to figure out how this that or the other thing went wrong. I never ever get over a death of someone close and have never gotten over the loss of my teenage girlfriend, the one I wrote about in my previous article. Since its been 30 years, I'm guessing I never will. She didn't die she just left for another guy. Three years we were together. I wanted to die in her arms someday and I think of her nearly everyday.
  I am married today with children. I love my wife too. I suppose I've glossed over all the bad stuff from that previous relationship and made it all sugar and sweetness I don't know, all I do know is I'm in love with a memory and it sucks to be me.
  Anyone that I've talked to about this and believe me it's only a few in the last dozen or more years, say the same thing....get over it. I wish I could. One therapist I had said that when we have a relationship where our needs were met pretty well, we tend to go back in time to it when things are not so good in the one we're in now. I suppose that is what I do. Our marrige is kinda strange. We're more roomates than lovers. I'm an incurable romantic but I have no idea what makes this women tick. I think she loves me but she has issue's too. We COULD have a good marrige I think, we just don't know how.
  I've thought about leaving but it would kill my kid or make her "go bad" or or or...see how I worry. I don't know what will happen when she gets grown, that question remains undecieded in my mind. All I know is I'm a sex addict and a married man that hasn't had sex in about a decade....and remained faithful...by the grace of God. I did it wrong first as I'm prone to do but adultry is not the answer, at least not for me. So I feel stuck, trapped, whatever.
Ugh....whine whine whine....I hate that!
                                                 Will
