I had an operation back in 98 and something happened that I can't explain. I think it was a reaction to the anesthesia but I'm not sure. I went in to a very bad depression, then a three week long panic attack. Panic attacks are the worst thing I've ever experienced. I've had them since but not very often and no where near as intense.
    I thought I would truly lose my mind. I wound up giong to see a doctor and I was so screwed up I was totally unable to articulate what was wrong with me. I wound up telling him "all I know is I'm like the cartoon cat that's upside down on the ceiling with his hair standing strait out, scared to death.....of nothing/everything. I NEED down off the ceiling. He gave me xanax. When I got to the drugstore, I opened them and took two without anything to drink. I was MUCH calmer by the time I walked out of the store.
 

 
   Since then I've changed. I used to be going and doing something all the time. Now, except to go to work (because I HAVE to) I don't really WANT to go anywhere....ever. Its not agoraphobia, I'm not afraid, I just have no interest. Instead I sit down here in my basement and either surf the web, blog or play computer games. Life is just passing me by. I used to be a social butterfly going ANYWHERE but home. I think someday my mind is gonna snap like a twig and I'm gonna be back in the NH drooling in a corner somewhere.
   Today sucked, blew the whole day playing computer games....again. Everytime I do that I am amazed and feel awful about it It's SUCH a terrible waste of time, a terrible waste of my life. I'm an old man and I don't think I'm ever gonna grow up. Its an addiction as bad as alcohol or drugs....maybe worse because its somewhat acceptable.
  Someday I'll stand before the Lord and give an account of the time I wasted doing it. I dread that....I truly do.
                                                Will