It's really weird having this "alter ego" thing going on. I've talked to some of you on my other blog AND on your's. Crazy....well, it IS the Nuthouse after all.
  I wanted to make a daily entry, so I've spent the day at work wondering where to start. This is gonna wind up being a soap opera I think, "As the lunatic turns" or something.
  This whole project has made me think of just how much goes in to making a human being what they are. I mean if this that or the other had not happened, wouldn't we be different than we are now? Sure we would, so in one sense it's all good I suppose.
  In real life everyone that know's me with the possible exeption of my wife, thinks I'm this a happy go lucky type. I always have a smile on my face, I always have, I think God put it there because I'm rarely ever truly "happy" whatever that means. I've literally sat with a gun in my hand and prayed, not wanting to blow my head off and wind up in hell. So far God has answered those prayers and I'm still here.
   The "perception" other people have of me, and the one I have of myself are so far off kilter that recently I was asked at my church to be a deacon...I just couldn't believe it. Don't get me wrong, I'm a believer and all but ME a deacon....not hardly. I'm trying to be a Christian, but believe me, God and I both know I'm not doing so hot. Mostly I think that's due to living in the past...in "yesterday" if you will. I just don't really know how to "let things go."
   I have seen Psychiatrist's, counselors, talked to friends, Pastor's etc, and nothing seems to have worked, at least not very well. Of course "that gun" never went off, I guess that's a plus. But I don't feel better really. Some have suggested that I "like" feeling the way I do. Well if that's true, I sure don't understand the "pay off."
   I suppose since I'm getting all 'honest" and all I should say I've been diagnosed as being Bi-polar. I don't really believe I am but have to add that I just might be. I take medication for it, Limictil, once a day. The only real benifit I think I get from it is I'm not quite as tired as I would be without it. I suppose that is the depression which I'm sure I'm afflicted with. Most of you probably know Psychiatry is not an exact science so they try this and that and I've been on various things at different times in my life, limictal seems to "work" better than any of the others but it's certainly no cure all. Maybe I just expect to much, I don't know.
   If you look at my "birth date" above you will see it's August 31, 1977. That IS NOT when I was born. That was the day I had my first encounter with the "Nuthouse." More on that tomorrow...
   See you soon...or not.
                                                    Will