because I can still smell her on my hoodie
because I can still smell her on my pillow case
because her writing remains on my white board
because I see that her avatar is now a picture of the two of us
because when her bag lagged behind in Toronto we went to CVS and the make up we got is still in the top drawer of the bathroom vanity
because the pail of sand under the table on my deck still has the stubs of cigarettes standing in it
because the lime ade is still in the fridge
and the portion of "brownie cake" is still in the fridge
and the gift bag that held her belated mother's day present is still on my bureau
because the two shoe boxes that held birthday presents for Emma & Kate are still on my bureau
because the clothes she left behind are still in my hamper and in my dryer
I *still* haven't been able to open my dryer
because I'd see her clothes and miss her all over again
I miss her all over again anyway
when my distractions are exhausted
and she was here
because the note and left on the lamp table next to my chair and ottoman
the thank you note that made the ceiling blur when i finished reading it
that opened my mouth and found that January wolf taking up space in my throat and moaning long and low
because she was already on the plane that I wanted to land at her home scoop up the kids and fly back to me
because I knew the plane couldnt do that yet
because my apartment is full of food she helped me pick
because she let my crabbiness slide
because it is hard
so hard for me to ask for help
and I didnt want her to lift heavy bags
because she saw me eat a tuna super melt at friendlys
and laughed in shaws when we stopped in front of the cans of tuna and i told her--
well...i don't *like* tuna
and she laughed and said--
but i saw you eat it last night
and so i said--
well-- don't like it today!
and now when i enter that shaws my chest tightens a little
because I miss her presence there too
I miss her kissing me in every isle
and doing a happy jump up and down when I chose something substantial or tasty to put in the cart
and i miss her pointing at some product every 5 seconds and saying--
i've seen that on tv!!
but i miss most
the simple things
resting my head on her chest and calming down at the sound of her beating heart
massaging her feet
her calves
talking into the scent of her dreading hair
breathing n her pleasure at my touch
at my movement
breathing in her sounds
the feel o a drop of her pleasant sweat
punctuating my chest
and until today
it only seemed a dream
that one week ago she was here
but it was not a dream because
big shifts are happening

our universe of "will be so"

is taking shape...