I'm tidying up my computer files today, revisiting all the jokes and stories I've saved over the years. From personal experience I can vouch for the accuracy of these descriptions.

TOOLS EXPLAINED for those who want to know

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching wood out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'.


PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


MOLE-GRIPS (aka VISE GRIPS) :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good wood into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

WOOD LATHE:
Fast growth yellow pine ejects from the chuck at 60 mph past your face as you do the Matrix dodge and time slows down and thats the longest cursed word.


HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


STANLEY UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


ADJUSTABLE WRENCH:
aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.


BASTARD TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shed while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.