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[Humor]
Do you get confused about the type of wine to serve to whom with what, when and why? So many kinds--it leaves your head spinning before you've even had a sip. Well, have no fear; yours truly will be your trusty sommelier!
Let's take a walk through my vast wine cellar, and I'll explain some wine basics as we go.
Right here is where I keep the fruity wines and sangria for those who desire a luscious flavor. Try this blackberry Merlot.
Very tasty and sold at an affordable price. These wines are great for casual occasions.
And over here, I've got some zinfandel.
This sweet wine is ideal for people who want to look sophisticated, even though everybody knows they're total nincompoops. Zinfandel or traditional white wine may be served with fish, pasta with cream sauce, or poultry. However, it does not coordinate well with a Big Mac and fries.
In this section here, I've got a nice stock of port. Like the Merlot, port
is rich and fruity, but this stuff is fortified with a full day's supply of brandy and other essential vitamins. After a few glasses of port, even the people who really are sophisticated will start acting like total nincompoops, making port ideal for achieving intellectual equality among your guests.
This railing here comes in awful handy during these wine tours. We'll just slide on down to the vermouth. This comes in various degrees of sweetness and is commonly used in mixed drinks, such as martinis. We refer to the least sweet as being "dry," although we do not call the sweetest "wet."
The term "wet" refers to a wine that has been overly watered-down or a person's pants after consuming too much wine.
Across the aisle here is the red wine. Red wine
is actually purple, but it's too hard to say "purple wine" with a straight face. It coordinates well with meat dishes or pasta with tomato sauce. It almost matches the tomato sauce stains when you spill it on your shirt or blouse. There are hundreds of varieties of red wine from all over the world, so don’t waste your time trying to pick out the best one. Just grab a bottle and boogie!
And now let's stagger over to this section over here. This here's the rose'. I recommend it for people who think Windex is delicious. The rose'
is very dry, and your guests will make a great show of pointing this fact out over and over again. When you’ve had quite enough dry comments, just blast them with the garden hose.
Now we'll crawl right on over here to this other section where I keep the champagne
and bubbly. What's the difference between these, you ask? Well, if you ask the French, they will tell you that bubbly is fake. But if you ask me right after drinking all of that other wine, I will tell you that it's like the difference between dog whiz and cat whiz. These sparkling wines are typically reserved for special occasions, such as weddings and divorces, when people really want to celebrate.
And see that section over yonder? That's where I keep the cognac.
This unique French wine is very complex, so I'm not really up to discussing it at the moment. I recommend it for after dinner or before sex--but never during. Cognac is a contemplative wine, good for when you just want to sit and contemplate a fire crackling in the living room, until you realize you've contemplated enough and should be calling the fire department. Say, would somebody roll one of those bottles over here?
Oh, yeah, I've got dessert wines, too.
No, don't pour that over chocolate cake! You drink that instead of eating the cake. It's got all the sugar you need to induce a diabetic coma, plus a healthy dose of alcohol to keep your brain in check for the rest of the evening.
Hope you enjoyed the wine tour. Think I'll just curl up on the floor here and catch a few winks. Zzzzzzz.
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Scott Stoffel is a deaf and legally blind safety engineer recently retired from the Federal Aviation Administration. (Hint: Wait a while before you fly, because the FAA is still cleaning up the mess he left behind!)