Words: 316
[Humor]

Ever get excited when you see the words "YOU ARE A WINNER" printed on something you find in the mailbox? And the letdown was worse than a Saturday morning hangover. Well, you can avoid those letdowns by learning how to decipher the language scammers use. Here's a fully translated example of what those letters "really" say:

Dear Mr. Johnny B. Gullible,

I am writing to inform you that YOU ARE A CONFIRMED LOSER!

That's right--you've already become a loser! There is no purchase necessary. All that's left for you to do is fill out the enclosed "Acceptance Form" and mail it to me in the POSTAGE not PAID envelope within the next fifteen seconds, and your CASH PRIZE will be sent to someone else IMMEDIATELY.

PLUS, you will automatically be entered in our GRAND PRIZE drawing of ONE GAZILLION DOLLARS!

Yes, Johnny, you've earned yourself this GUARANTEED CASH PRIZE! Once we receive your "Acceptance Form" and the $20 processing fee, your prize check will be delivered directly to somebody's home by a uniformed courier (unless the postman is a nudist). I just wish I could be there to shake your hand when you receive your GUARANTEED CASH PRIZE of no less than (or
exceeding) FIVE HUNDREDths dollars!

While it is entirely unnecessary, we know you'd like to be able to say, "Yes, I was kind enough to purchase several items from the enclosed CHUNK O' JUNK catalog when I claimed my GUARANTEED CASH PRIZE."

So let me be the first to say, "CONGRATULATIONS!" It's people like you, Johnny, that make me a BIG WINNER.

Sincerelessly,

U. R. A. Sucker
Chairman

P.S.: By the way, Johnny, I'm going to let you in on a secret: You can IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES of losing in our GRAND PRIZE drawing by making copies of your "Acceptances Form" and sending them in separately, each with the miniscule $20 processing fee.

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Scott Stoffel is a deaf and legally blind safety engineer recently retired from the Federal Aviation Administration. (Rumor has it that he left his lucrative job at the FAA to turn America's endless supply of gullibility into gold.)