Scott Stoffel
Words: 449
[Humor]

When you find yourself stuck inside a burning building, it may seem like an odd time to start thinking about safety. However, your actions in this situation can be the difference between escaping the inferno and going barbecue. Here are some handy tips to help maximize your chances for survival when things get hot.

Bear in mind the Stoffel's Guide Disclaimer: The only thing we guarantee is lunacy.

Q: How can you tell when your building is on fire?
A: It may be difficult to hear people screaming over the blaring noise of the fire alarm, so this can be a serious problem. Some signs that there is imminent danger include choking smoke, intense hot flashes that won't go away, and the disappearance of furniture.



Q: What's the first thing you should do in the event of a fire?
A: The greatest danger in any crisis is panic. When people panic, they tend to act irrationally, such as desperately searching for a shower cap when the fire sprinklers go off, and only make matters worse. So be sure to finish panicking before you do anything else.



Q: Is a window a good escape route?
A: Well, if you're on the first or second floor of a burning building, and the window doesn't overlook a moat full of alligators, certainly, this route can lead you to safety. However, if you're on the 27th floor, you may want to reconsider. Be sure to do all reconsidering BEFORE you go through the window. All sales are final.



Q: What if you're on the 27th floor and can't get to a fire escape?
A: This might be a good time to indulge in a little panic. When you get that done, run into the nearest restroom and try flushing yourself to safety.

Q: What is the fire axe used for?
A: Use it to break down a locked door that's standing between your singed buns and safety. It also comes in handy when there is a long line ahead of you at the fire exit.



Q: Should you grab a fire extinguisher and battle the blaze?
A: If the roof is about to collapse on top of you, the fire extinguisher won't do you much good. But it definitely is useful when your microwave popcorn snack goes awry.



Q: How can you minimize the chances of catching on fire yourself?
A: Most fabrics will catch fire far more easily than skin, so be sure to disrobe whenever a fire alarm goes off. In the event of a real fire, this action can save your life. And if it's just a freaking drill or false alarm, you can provide some amusement for the firefighters.



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Scott Stoffel is a deaf and legally blind safety engineer recently retired from the Federal Aviation Administration. (Here's a secret: The reason he left the FAA was because he suddenly and inexpicably became genuinely concerned about the safety of passengers.)