Well tonight I was layin in bed trying to sleep, I was looking at myself and all I cld see were my bones and sorry to say it freaks me out, it makes me think that I'm sick but then again I'm not because I feel fine n can do all this stuff all the time and not feel like crap or whatever you wld like to call it,
but for a person that has been big her whole life but then again has lost weight but then gained it all back again at one point and time, but now it seems that I am losing a lot of weight and I mean a lot, I dont thing I have lost this much before in my life, it scares me but then again it doesn't, it makes me think that I'm sick because of how much I have lost because I have no clue how I am losing it or anything n its like what the hell is wrong with me, I eat so I know it cant be that,
I don't know if its the fact of me working all the time n the fact that I'm hanging out with my friends more often then what i use to, but then again I dont get it, because I use to hang out with everybody all the time n I wasnt losing weight like I am now so hows that work... well I'm working hanging out with friends go on walks when I feel like it, there for the longest time I wld go on walks every night no matter what it was, I had to go on a walk or I cld not get to sleep,
n ever sin I have been living on my own that has kinda stopped n I kinda hate myself for that but what can I say, at least I still go on walks when I feel like it n on nice day if I have to do something I will walk up town to do the things that have to be down..
but it still dont seem right for me to be losing all this weight when im not trying to ya its ool and everything sin i have been big all my life n i have been made fun of it and all that crap so ya it wld be nice to look good for once and then see what ppl wld have to say about me now after they see me, after I lose all the weight that I lose wen ever I stop losing weight, but ya it wld be nice to see what ppl have to say about it,
I guess theres a lot of people already talking about me and asking how i'm losing all this weight and they are saying that I look good and all this stuff n they r jealous in a way i guess, (but why shld they be wen they (some of these ppl that are sayin this stuff are already small and look good) I wld do anything to look like them.. so I have no clue why they wld be jealous over me because im losing all this weight, but whatever
I was told most chicks have a cow about there weight but come on if you are already small n can fight into a size 7 or 8 or whatever size it is why worry about your weight come on that wld be a cool size to be in.. but thats coming from someong that has always been big her whole life, n has always got made fun of, or got told to lose weight even by ppl that you wld never think that wld tell you that you shld lose weight,
but I feel good about everything now, I feel good about myself but then again I scares me wen ppl come up to me and tell me where did your other half go because some times I think they are talking about ppl I hang out with, or when they come up to me n tell me that I look really good and its like thanks I guess, Its like I have no clue what to say to them because I dont take complements very well for some reason, I think its the fact that I didnt get them that often when I was little n the fact that everybody made fun of me.. so I wld rather get made fun of then get told good things about myself..
because when I get told good things it makes me want to cry or shoot myself for some reason but then again I just dont know what to think about them but what can I say about them.. nothing I guess but thank you, but then I get the ppl that come up to me and tell me that I look good n will ask me how I'm doing it they will ask me if I'm eating and its like yes, then they will ask me if I'm throwing my food back up n its like no why in the hell wld i do that im not that type of person sry, then there was this one time I got told that I had to show my dad or help my dad out to lose weight n that really pissed me off... that was his aunt, I'm sry to say my dad is losing wieght you just cant tell but whatever, n when she told me that i just wanted to tell her to fuck off haha..
so I get everybody asking me how I'm losing all this wieght and its like I have no clue to be honest or the only thing I cld think of its the fact that I'm working hang out with friends going wheeling n just having fun, walking around town when I feel like it other then that I have no clue how Im doing it sorry I cant help you out,
and heres one for you it seems like I'm not losing weight but the funny thing is every time I go to the dr or some where n they have to see what I weight it seems like I have lose a bit more and its like what the hell, Im not really doing anything to lose weight so how can I still be losing weight so its kinda scary.. lol but messed up, but what can I say maybe its a new start to my new life.. if I have a new life coming for me.. lol well just maybe.. lol who knows I guess its a wait and see what happens..
If I have a new life coming for me thats cool makes it even better.. I just hope its not shit like my past, I'm not saying everything in my past was shit but I wld like a better life to where I dont feel like shit all the time, but then again I dont feel like shit all the time.. I have my days where I feel like shit.. and I have my good days but come on I want it to where I'm not freaking out about everything like money n food n everything else I need to live off of or whatever it is... I just want it to where I'm not feeling like crap or freaking out about little things that I shldnt be feaking out about.. but half of the time.. I'm freaking out because I have a reason to.. sad thing is no one knows I'm feaking out all the damn time about everything because whats the point when they cant help me out.. so ya it wld be ool if this was the start of my new life and the other stuff just fell in to place really fast so I can take care of everything real soon and get everything off my back n not have to worrie about it anymore..
well I dont think I have anything else to write about for the night, all I know or I think I know.. lol.. things are going good I guess or they cld go better in some ways be whatever theres nothing that I can do about that but whatever like I say half of the time I dont care... whatever... I'm just gonna keep my head high n wait for my new life if thats whats coming for me... and just go from there and see what happens, but whatever.. so ya.. Im good and done talkin for now.. so laterz...