I cannot believe I've neglected my blog for so long, but I do have some reasons...Mainly, I just hate the complaining and was hoping that the next time I posted something more than a picture, it would be of good news. Ah well, so much for hoping. ;)

Truth be told, I was *believing* that my next post would be this exciting little tidbit with an image of a HPT showing that I'm pregnant. But I'm not - yet.

I'm not quite sure how some women go through this month after month of trying to get pregnant and never getting that positive sign that they are... and I don't know how they do it for years sometimes. It's very draining.

I knew that when I went off the pill, that I may run into problems again with my severe PMS. I keep putting off going to the doctor for some anti-whatever pills. I really just want to get pregnant without the fear of putting some horrible drug into my system. But in the meantime, I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I have no energy, the cramps are crippling at times, my already ginormous boobs get so bloated during PMS that it hurts to do ANYTHING. I wake up from a deep sleep because I'm laying on them or something.

And this all adds to my increased irritability. I'm constantly scowling and then I apologize for it - sometimes in advance. I know my husband is *this close* to asking why if I can apologize in advance for the piss poor attitude, can't I stop it from happening. I'd love the answer to that one myself.

I hate who I am these days so I've just been trying to lay low.

Jordan, for example, called me at the end of the day on April 1. He called to try to trick me into thinking he got into a huge fight with his mom and her drunk of an ex-con boyfriend. I knew right off the bat it was an April Fools joke and even asked right away. He tried playing it off that it wasn't so I had to seriously force myself into playing along. It wasn't easy because I'm a big time fat ass bitch these days. But I let him play it off and then he said Gotcha and he felt good about it. I love when I see the almost 16 year old side of himself come out. :)

What else? Did I mention in a previous post that my niece was moving in with Jordan's dad a thousand miles away? That she was leaving behind the most angelic baby I've ever seen? That my brother had the audacity to take her in but couldn't even call his own son? Yeah well that just happened the other day... I guess my brother flew up here and then the next day he and my niece drove for 23 hours to get back down there.

I didn't call anyone, nor has anyone called me.

I've completely separated myself from most of my fucked up family. And while I'm OK with it because it lessens the insane drama, a part of me still wonders why and how this all happened. I find it very sad when I start to think about it because they are my Family... but so is my husband and I just try to focus on that.

Yeah, I haven't spoken one word to my brother or sister since the end of September. Oh wait, no. I saw my sister at Christmas. The bitch. But that's it. Nothing since then. Not even an email. It's sad to me, but again, I at least have my husband.

And maybe one day a baby.

I hate that I've become this obsessed-with-wanting-to-have-a-baby woman, but I have. It sucks but it is what it is. Think Juno. If you've seen the movie Juno, I'm the character that Jennifer Garner played. I couldn't stop crying because I related so intensely with that character.

Ack. It's going to happen. I have no doubts of this. It's just waiting it out that's a little difficult. But in the end, it will all be worth it. All of it.