THANKS EVERYONE....



I just want to thank all of you for your educational
emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without
using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know
what the last person was doing while flipping through the
adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to
contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has
been driving because the number one pass-time while
driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone
usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of
trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the
one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now
have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs
sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason. I no longer have any savings because
I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die
in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program. (RIGHT!)

I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and
St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it also removes toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in
my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are Atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually AlQaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with CALLS TO Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but
mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant