Yesterday during the day, I was doing great until around 4 pm.  The great sadness hit me like a ton of bricks.  I really miss him, but I know that I should stop initiating contact with him.  I kept checking my phone all night to see if he would text me.  I can't wait for this to get easier.  I know it will, but it's really hard right now.  I almost cried this morning while talking to one of the security guards in my office building.
I'm trying postive visualization to heal my heart.  It helped after my divorce.  I was surprised then to see my heart was filled with tar.  I would go in every day and scrap the tar out.  I would then wash down all the walls, and make them shine.  The next day the tar would be back, but eventually there was less and less of it.  It really did help.
I decided to check in on my heart yesterday.  There was a huge gaping wound right through the middle.  There was hardly any structure left to the heart, and it was leaking blood all over the place.  I keep trying to bandage it, but it leaks too fast.  Last night I tried giving it a shot of love.  The love that I feel from my friends and family.  I gave it a couple shots, and it seemed to help for a small amount of time.  It gave me time to pack it full of bandages to collect the blood.  It made the sadness a little lighter, but the heaviness has returned.  I gave it some more shots this morning, and it helped again for a small amount of time.  Why does it have to hurt so goddamn much!!! 
I took some Tylenol PM again to sleep last night.  I haven't really slept in a couple weeks.  My body is exhuasted, but my mind won't stop when I lay down to sleep.  Every night it's either wine or Tylenol PM.  I'm hoping that this trend does not continue.
I'm going to get back to exercising tomorrow.  I haven't exercised in a couple weeks due to Granda's funeral, the trip from hell and then this stupid head cold.  I think it will help me feel better and maybe help with the sleep.  My diet has been OK at the best, but not great.  I really need to get back into the healthy living lifestyle.  I know this will help.
I just wish I didn't feel so heavy right now.  I feel heavy both physically and emotionally.  Just getting out of bed is hard.  I called my therapist for an appointment next week.  I've worked with her for ten years now, and she can help me I'm sure.  I think the divorce was easier in the beginning because I really hated Karl at that time.  It's harder to walk away when you still really care about the other person.
Thanks for all the continued support. I really need it right now.