I bought a single ticket Saturday to one of the Lottos. I won some cash, but not a lot of it. It will be just enough to pay my cell phone bill, which is six days overdue.

I often dream about winning the big pot.

I already know exactly what to do should my ticket hit all those numbers.

First, before I tell a soul and before I sign the ticket, I would retain an attorney to write up and record a family trust, irrevocable and solid. Next I would take the trust papers to my bank and get the bank branch manager to sign a statement swearing that my splendid luck is not to be announced to anyone, including the bank tellers, until I so declare it is safe to do so. That is because I don't want the public to know, and I don't need or desire people knocking or calling at my residence.

Then I would open a bank account for the trust, take the trust papers to the Lotto people and sign the ticket in the name of the trust.

I would return to the bank with the check (severely dpleted by taxes, of course - and it would be for the cash value, not the 29-year dribbles because I won't be here in twenty-nine years), deposit it and draw enough to pay all my debts off.

Then, after I pay cash for the house I want and have it ringed with security cameras, I would do as my friends have suggested.

I would consider getting married again.

Now, wait. Don't panic. The statement has some benefits. I would like to express them here.

I would write and post an advertisement:

WANTED: TROPHY WIFE

Wealthy Ohio investor and artist desires companion.

Desired qualifications:

1. Single
2. Age - 21 to 40
3. Must like cats
4. Good conversationalist
5. Must enjoy travel, art, baseball games, wine and look great in a little black dress.
6. Must be willing to bear us an heir, boy or girl.
7. Must not be a CPA! (Been there. Done that.)
8. Must not EVER kick my shins under a table.
9. Must never mention NASCAR, the Pittsburgh Steelers or the New York Yankees, except when followed by a derogatory term.

Send photo, relationship resume in detail, and in less than 50 words, answer the question: "Why I would be the perfect trophy wife for you." (English only)

No phone calls, videos, Twitters, emails or visits, please. Do not send candy, flowers or emissaries. I do, however, enjoy single malt Scotch.

I will contact you.

..........

But first I have to get all those numbers.

..........

Last night, for the first time in almost a week, I dined on something other than oatmeal and salad. Last Tuesday night a handful of roasted peanuts sent my gall bladder into orbit. It takes a whole lot of time for the irritation to subside, and it is doing just that. I roasted two ears of corn on the grill and had an Italian sausage sandwich. It was good and I suffered not.

During the evening I went in and out of the Indians vs. Tampa Bay Rays baseball game. The reason I went "out" was because after just a couple innings the Tribe was behind 10-0. In one inning Cleveland scored two, and later they tacked on two more.

It looked hopeless, of course. 10-4 is a pretty difficult disadvantage to overcome.

However, in the bottom of the ninth inning, the Indians nibbled and scraped. With two outs, Victor Martinez broke his 0 for 18 batting slump with a single into the outfield and two runs scored.

Final: Indians 11, Rays 10.

I witnessed a miracle!

.........

NBA:
I don't think the Cavaliers can pull it off. Orlando has a much better team, even with Cleveland's heavy hitter, LeBron James scoring about forty points a game. Furthermore, I think the Denver Nuggets can knock off Kobe and the Lakers.

What a dream! The Magic vs. the Nuggets in the final?