Got son off to school,joked,laughed,but after i drop him off I'm not out of the school parking lot and i'm crying.My fears are killing me.They are going to ruin my marriage,myself.Well on its way.I love my husband more today than I ever have in our yrs together,and i'm the most insecure i have ever been in my life.Racing negative thoughts(he won't love me i've gained weight,I've cut my hair,I have told myself these things so much that i actually have 2 suitcases packed with my most precious things.Ready to go at any moment.(Since childhood i have always had a fear of being left.So thru out my life i would run people off later found out it was so I wouldn't get hurt.)It took alan 15 yrs.for me to trust him enough to marry him.Then he had to go to Iraq.I feel like i'm back at square 1.Its pathetic but very real in my mind.I hate this he is due home tue-wed (4-5 days.)This may and probably sounds insane to someone normal..I feel fine for awhile when I talk to him,yet in back of my mind i'm still thinking he won't love me because of the changes to my body in last 18mths...Damn.sorry needed to vent..At least get it out of my head.What good i don't know.I stopped journaling 6mths ago.used to all the time..Anyway enough!!!Got 2 get busy.