i haven't blogged for a while thinking nobody wants to read about the hell i have been going threw lately. but my plate is getting to full again. i have to let out some steam again and i figure this is the best place to do it. cause if people don't want to here about it you can just click out.

i had finally had it at the motel and walked out on monday. i had had enough. when i went to front desk i was getting 40 hours. they hired a new girl and gave her one of my days. i couldn't make it on that so i asked the general manager if i could work a couple days in housekeeping to make up the hours. she said yes then took me off another day at front desk. well hell i was getting nowhere now even less hours. it just seemed that what i ever i did out there i was not going to get ahead. that is not the only reason i walked. i got tired of getting bitched out for the housekeepers not getting there rooms cleaned. well hell that was not my department, not my responsability. this had nothing to do with the big boss, so i thought i would be nice and call him and explain why i walked out. but he wouldn't answer his cell phone. so i left a message and asked him to call me back. well guess what i never got a call. some boss huh.

i have been going to town just about everyday and putting applications in, but no call back yet. oh well maybe this is a sign i need to stay home for a while and spend time with my twins.

i think lloyd got upset with me tonight. as most of you know i am not a people person. i hate crowds. he wanted to go to a movie. i have not been to a movie in years cause i hate being that close to people smushed in a theatre. we did end up just going into town and going out for supper. that was nice his mom watched the kids and it was just the two of us.

well that good time was short lived to. my son came in just shortly after midnight and hand me a ticket he had got. told me i was not going to be happy with him. keep in mind he does not work. so who is supposed to pay the ticket. yours truly. well as i looked at the ticket i see that it is 104.00. oh fluck what am i going to do. i do not have 104.00 for a ticket. so i told him we are going to go to court and i am going to talk to the judge and tell him i do not have the money to pay for this ticket. i am going to ask him if he can do community service to pay it. besides what good it is going to do for me to pay it. it is not going to teach him anything. oh the ticket was for him driving without a license. and the reason he is 17 and don't have a license is cause he is to dam lazy to study to get it. i have brought him in twice to take the test and failed both time. so i refuse to bring him again till he does study. i am just not sure what to do with him any more. he don't listen, don't come home when he is told, and just a smart ass to try to talk to.

you know i was happy here for quite awhile but i am beginning to think i want to go bad to the hell hole i moved from. god i miss everybody so much. up here i have one friend and she is great. we talk just about everyday. but i miss my family and friends so much down there. i am so frightened that my anxiety and depression are going to kick in again. so afraid of getting stuck in my four walls again. scared of life.

there is one more thing that is really getting to me lately but i'm not going to say what it is right now. but i live with it everyday and don't know how much longer i can do it. he does it everyday and soon as i heard the pop of the can it just sends chills up my spine.

i just don't know what to do anymore or where to turn.

sorry about the bitch blog but i had to let it out tonight.

love ya all butterfly

a beautiful butterfly that has the power to soar.