In spite of my blue mood last night, I attempted to post some rather funny and sometimes ridiculous Christmas cards that you wouldn't find at any Hallmark store, but apparently I was the only one able to view them.  I logged out from mybloggers today and then logged back in and can still see them.  If anyone has any ideas on how to correct this, feel free to let me know.
In sync with my continuing low mood, God is apparently crying tears here in Mid-Michigan.  I suppose that could be because we have had bitterly cold temperatures previous to the rain we are getting today.  I guess we got four more inches of snow from this most recent storm, and then once the temps drop again tonight we will be blessed with the world's largest ice rink.
I know that it is Christmas Eve and the little ones are stirring about exactly what will be under the tree tomorrow.  I am stirring about exactly where we will be living a month from now.  A couple if days ago my friend and daughter's aunt (same person) told me that she had been served divorce papers by her husband and that he was asking to reside in the house for the duration of the divorce and boot her from it.  Although he is claiming to have lived there, my friend has been getting some assistance from the state so that she can eat and continue to live there, as she has been unable to get a job.
We are hoping that these circumstances will allow us (aunt, daughter, and myself) to live in the home until at least the divorce is final and possibly beyond, depending on what is decided by the parties involved and/or the judge.  Moving in with my daughter's aunt is really the only option that daughter and I have so that we have a place to live and can bring our furry family with us.  I cannot deny my daughter her dog and at least one of the cats.  She is giving up so much now.
I don't do well with uncertainty.  I really suck at change.  I have found since being in my forties that I just don't adapt very well to large changes.  Although I fight it every day, my depression has become like a layer of clothing that I wear and rarely take off.  The reality of our situation has put a strangle hold on what little joy I have for this holiday season.
I have put off packing and preparing to move until after Christmas so that things will seem as normal as possible for my daughter on the holiday tomorrow.  I have attempted to hide my ever growing feelings of despair from her so as not to worry her.  I don't talk about the details of our move and the changes ahead in front of her as her sense of security is really number one with me at this point.
I really really hate thinking about all of this and even more writing about it, but I feel that if I can get some of it out of my head I can deal better with what is left.  This is not where I envisioned us to be at the end of 2008.
I live with the daily reminder of one man's (man, yeah right) inaction and where it has taken all of us.  R shows no remorse for allowing the financial situation to get so bad that we are being evicted.  The concept of working regular hours to make a regular amount of money to pay the regular bills so that you can live completely escapes him.  He yells at me that I was so busy talking to my friends online (including here) and there were other things I could have done to make money.  The fact that I spent eight weeks recovering from the internal beating of my life (my hysterectomy, et al) never comes into play.
My friend (daughter's aunt) who is getting a divorce says she is scared.  I echo those words too.  What kind of world do we live in where people have to live together as extended family so they can just simply survive?
And what is even more ridiculous is the fact that my daughter's aunt and I, who have been friends for many years now, are not related by blood or in any other way now but are more family than she is with her mother, brother (my daughter's dad), and sister, and the same goes for me, with my parents and sisiters' and their families.  None of our "blood" family even offers emotional support.
I AM scared.  I am afraid of hitting bottom.  There, I said it.  I guess if that happens, though, there is nowhere to go but up.  But I am not willing to sink that far because I will not take my beloved daughter with me!
At this point, we are living a day at a time.  Some things will definitely happen, and others I am unsure of.  I am not happy to play it by ear but I am trying to tell myself that in awhile, I will look back and breathe a sigh of relief.
I am sorry to be a Scrooge of sorts today.  I know there are others who have it much worse than us.  I guess the cloud of uncertainty that is hanging over my home puts a damper on the holiday spirit, at least for me.  Perhaps God is shedding a few tears for us today.