Obamessiah Tours

He ventured forth to bring light to the world

The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy
Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful
followers

By Gerard Baker

The Times

July 25, 2008

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the
Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the
shores of the Great Lakes had been laid
barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.
The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family,
offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an
African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of
righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little
blow.
When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the
finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the
Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among
themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to
the audacity of hope?”
In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary,
wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working
Class Whites.
And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the
appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the
light unto all the world.
He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that
consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured
first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the
Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror
on all the world.
And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats
that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces
of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms
raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no
more.
From there he went forth to Mesopotamia
where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto
him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial
warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.
And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred.
Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a
terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in
disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for
the forces of the light.
And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak
with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention
of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium
swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.
From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate
seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar
cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.
In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child
spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an
instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites
ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.
As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples
from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and
McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.
And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the
Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and
the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.
The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the
anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one
generations had been waiting for.
And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall,
spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on
credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and
the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.
Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In
hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured.
And all because the Child had pronounced it.
And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to
the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it
all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.
Then the Child ventured forth from Israel
and Palestine
and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela
of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them
at length.
But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was
hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.
And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was
five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the
frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes.
And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.
Thence he travelled west to Mount
Sarkozy. Even the
beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she
was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.
On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient
land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great
prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the
Golden One.
And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host
of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and
singing: “Yes, We Can.”

Obama Jokes National Review
"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah,
Obama was off to Israel,
where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." — Jon
Stewart
"It was kind of surprising; they really love Obama in Germany. He's
like a rock star over there. It's impressive until you realize that David
Hasselhoff is also like a rock star over there." — Jimmy
Kimmel
"Hey, did you see Barack Obama playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you
see that one shot he made from 40 feet? Forty feet. Let me tell you something.
If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never
have that job again." — Jay Leno