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The appearance of a larger-than-life hero, shaman, guru or healer to rescue us from our
disorienting despair is a persistent theme in most faith traditions.
Instead of discovering the inner spunk to repair and rebirth our
intentions, we search the skies for a savior. I am convinced that
filling the holes in our hearts -- from disappointment, postponed dreams
or profound loss -- begins with gratitude, not surrender. In opening
the lens to the gifts around us, surprises abound.
One of the most powerful memories of my childhood was the empty chair at
the end of our dining room table. After my father died when I was 14,
my mother, sister and I tried to fill our small table with one another's
company, but the image of the lone chair was a constant reminder of the
emptiness around us. With my wife's sudden death two years ago, more
empty chairs filled in my home and heart. I'm not alone. Our media
overdoses us with holiday stories of tragic war deaths and sad
homecomings to more empty chairs, and the lengthening shadows of memory
they bring.
Now we step into a new holiday season,
flush with the reminders of our year. Despite record unemployment,
uneven economic news, and the prevailing clouds of seemingly endless war
and loss, mass audiences continue to devour 24/7 coverage of the next
Sarah Palin gaff, the winner of "Dancing with the Stars" or the
ascension of a newly anointed 14-year old teen idol. However diverting
this popcorn of "news" is to our larger attention, this is a rough
season for many people.
Novelist David Grossman found his way back to life after the death of
his son by writing, something I deeply understand. He recently reflected
that "writing was the only way to return from the exile of everything
you knew, the story of your life. In loss, you don't belong to anything.
Nothing can be taken for granted. For me, writing was my way of making
sense of the chaos, for in finding the right word, I found a way of
choosing life."
I write each morning at 6 a.m., before
my day really begins, to invite possibility into what's next. My morning
ritual reminds me of the wisdom that is around us, if we can only ask.
And to be even more grateful for what we receive.
All of us are finding our way to something ahead of us. I suggest the
wisest way to make the glow of holiday celebration last is to express
gratitude for the life we have, and to deeply acknowledge our grateful
feelings to everyone who touches our life.
Researchers confirm that feeling
grateful brings more lasting energy, greater optimism, and more
authentic social connections. Some studies confirm that grateful people
make more money, sleep more deeply and have greater resistance to
illness. Psychologist Jeffrey Froh of Hofstra University reminds us that
"a lot of these findings are things we learned in kindergarten or our
grandmothers told us," but now science gives us permission to believe
them. In fact, ancient philosophers reminded us that gratitude was an
indispensable human virtue. Cicero wrote, "A thankful heart is not only
the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues."
This year, perhaps in response to the many generous friends who persist
in providing updraft to my daily life, I have consciously begun some new
daily rituals of acknowledging and appreciating the people who help me.
I make it a point to thank each person, from the smiling barista at
Starbucks to my newspaper delivery man, and in small ways express how
much I appreciate them. My new mantra when people ask how I am is,
"Better now that you're here." And I mean it.
There's a wise Buddhist exercise,
called Naikan self-reflection, that invites us to ponder each day: "What
have I received from ... ? What have I given to ... ? Who made me
laugh? Whom have I troubled and need to ask forgiveness for my actions?"
Mindfulness of how we are with others is only part of the acknowledgment
process. How are we to ourselves? What is our own self-talk? How
critical or forgiving are we of our actions, intentions, gaffs and
lapses? How much time do we spend judging others, as well as own faults?
No wonder we can slip into darker moods, indulge in that extra slice of
pie or glass of wine, all to soften and stuff our sadness. Instead,
being grateful for your life, your family, your friends, will help lift
your holiday spirits in an authentic way. When we step away from judging
and instead celebrate in large and small ways the precious moments of
our life, we experience a sense of gratitude that can boost everyone's
positive emotions.
The empty chairs of intention and
attention -- to everyone in our life -- beg to be filled. It's not as
lonely anymore. It begins by being grateful and acknowledging all who
make your life better.
I deeply acknowledge how each of you
helped me shape a new life.
I am committed to a 2011 where each of you will feel that I am "better
now that you're here." Because I am. Whether with a whisper or a hug,
know that I thank you. I won't wait until the game is called for
darkness for you to know how much you mean to me.
Roger Fransecky is Founder/CEO of The
Apogee Group, a global management consulting and leadership development
organization founded in 1995. Apogee is dedicated to helping leaders and
their organizations achieve their highest level of performance through
programs and services for CEO’s and senior leadership teams. A New York
native, he holds B.S. and M.S. degrees from the State University of New
York, and a Ph.D in psychology from the University of Cincinnati. He is a
member of the American Psychological Association, The Association for
Training and Development, and the Academy of Management. He is a
licensed Clinical Psychologist.
