I was extremely irritated to discover that Wednesday's court hearing was not to resolve the question of whether Numbnuts (the plaintiff) had given the defendants (Granolas) the 20 or so pieces of teak deck furniture. It was a replevin action that would let Numbnuts take custody of the furniture until the real hearing that would determine the final outcome. I am hoping that based upon my testimony it was apparent that I have nothing to contribute to either side's story and can be left alone for the next go-round.

The day before the hearing both sides' lawyers called and talked to me about what I knew about the situation. It irritated me that more than once the attorney for Numbnuts told me to 'just tell the truth.' Finally, I told him I had no intention of telling anything but the truth.

I asked the Granolas lawyer why they didn't just give the furniture back to get Numbnuts out of their lives. You'd think when he tried to get them arrested for stealing it, they'd have gotten a clue what a loose cannon he is. Their claim is that he flat out gave them the furniture, and relying on that they sold their old furniture and spent money on stain to make this furniture look better (it was all dried out from being in the sun). They have a witness, a dispatcher for the local police, who will testify that she was there when the Granolas and Numbnuts were applying stain to the furniture and Ms. Granola said "Numbnuts gave us this furniture," and Numbnuts agreed with her.

I think it is a strange coincidence that the witness works for the police department because Numbnuts calls them on a regular basis to try to use the authorities to harass people. Also he tried to sue that same police department for false arrest a couple of years ago.

Numbnuts had another witness at Wednesday's hearing who was a very strange person - she looked like she'd been dipped in spray tan the shade of black coffee, and dressed very 'artistic.' It was a 90 degree day, and she had on several jackets and clothing layers covering her scrawny body. Before things started she tried to strike up a conversation with us, told us she was the Granolas' neighbor for two years, and they are very strange - Ms. Granola is a white witch, for one thing - and Ms. Weird knows this because she herself used to be a shaman. Oh, great. That's the thing about a Numbnuts event, you can count on a bunch of crazies showing up, which is why I'm so mad about getting included - alleged birds of a feather.

The Granolas' key witness was not there because this was not the main hearing.

Numbnuts' attorney is a local ambulance chaser (personal injury lawyer in case you don't recognize the term) who apparently has no courtroom experience because the judge had to keep telling him what to do. For starters, he didn't have his exhibits numbered and there was a big pause in the proceedings while the judge dug up some stickers from somewhere and the opposing attorney offered to give him some. Meanwhile I am sitting on what would be called the witness stand cooling my heels.

The Granolas' attorney (Tightass) is a partner in a large real estate and litigation law firm in Denver. You could tell right away he has courtroom experience because he brought his book of Colorado Court Procedures. These procedures are the road map for lawsuits and how things need to be handled in court. One of them deals with numbering the exhibits. Even if a lawyer knew the book by heart he should have it available so he can cite the places where the opposition didn't follow the rules so the case should be thrown out.

But of course the ambulance chaser didn't bring his procedures book, if he even owns one. He is the sort who would think it was a sign of weakness to have to refer to the rules and whatever comes up he can wing it.

Before the judge came out Ambulance Man was trying to jolly around with Tightass to pretend they are colleagues who just happen to represent two sides of a dispute, but afterwards they'll go out for microbrews and Tightass will offer Ambulance Man a good job with his big lawfirm. For example, Tightass asked 'Where are all these exhibits you referred to in the pleadings?' and Ambulance Man replied 'In Alaska somewhere,' just trying to be funny - Alaska does not enter into this case at all.

I don't know how many of you have been to a court hearing, but from what I've seen the witnesses tend to sit behind the party they are for, kind of like a wedding when you tell the usher "Bride's side" going in. Well, I sat on the Granolas' side - not that I think they are in the right - but I didn't want to show support for Numbnuts, and he didn't need to drag me into this. When we sat down, the Granolas turned around and waved at us in the manner of people at an ice cream social, not court, and he mouthed the words 'Sorry about this.' Numbnuts never acknowledge my presence either in the hallway or in the courtroom. The whole time I was on the stand he avoided looking at me.

Back to me on the witness stand. Yes, I wrote that statement. Yes, it is all true. No, I don't know what arrangement Numbnuts had with the Granolas with regard to his furniture. The last thing Ambulance Man asked me was where was the furniture when it was on my property. 'The front porch, back porch and back yard of the house your client lived in, plus three pieces on my back patio.' Him: 'Did you use the furniture?' Me: 'Yes." (WTF did he think I did with furniture on my back patio, rope it off with crime scene tape?)

Anyhow. That Yes seemed to really throw him. He looked over at the folders he had stacked on the floor, looked around the courtroom, seemed to be just speechless. Finally the judge pointed out that the procedure was scheduled to take an hour and at the current pace they were going to run out of time, so he'd better move along. He said he didn't have any more questions for me, so Tightass stood up and asked me 'Why did Numbnuts move from your property?' Before I could get out any more than 'His lease...' Ambulance Man hopped up and objected that it was irrelevant. 'This whole thing is irrelevant,' says Tightass and sits down, end of questioning.

So I was dismissed and given the option of staying or leaving. I left. Yes, I wonder what the outcome of the hearing was, but I didn't want to dignify the situation by staying a moment longer than required.

Now, of course, I still don't know what happened - who got custody of the furniture, or was Tightass successful in getting the case dismissed all together, and I don't want to contact anyone who was there because that would validate the whole thing.

I think the Granolas are probably nice people, but she is very strange, white witch or not, and I know darn well that Numbnuts offered them a couple of pieces of the furniture, but not all of it, because this furniture represents the last remnant of his million dollar lifestyle and house that he intentionally let go to foreclosure so he is not likely to give it up easily. But they've got that witness, and of course I never directly heard what he told them, so maybe he really did give it all to them.

Eventually I will find out who got the furniture, even if it means just driving by the Granolas' motel and seeing if it is still there. I may never find out what went on after I left the room or in the subsequent hearing if there is one.