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AGEISMS
Don't say the doctor, policeman or teacher 'looks 12'. It's become a standard joke among old people to describe the authority figure they have just encountered as being or looking 12.
Not eight, not 18. Not 32, which they consider to be pretty close to their own advanced age, but eternally 12.
Besides losing its humorous edge, saying the doctor looks 12 really says that your point of reference has become alarmingly warped and you yourself look about 108.
NO MATCHING
Anything matching marks you as belonging to an earlier time and sensibility, when all things had to be tidily co-ordinated and anyone who was sane and solvent bought everything from their jewellery to their shoes, living-room furniture and bathroom accessories in complete sets.
Put Grandma's Victorian armchair next to your IKEA sofa; sling an Anya Hindmarch handbag over your shoulder and lug your shopping home in a supermarket 'bag for life'. The less you match, the freer you feel - and the younger you'll seem.
STOP MOTHERING PEOPLE
If you don't want to appear old, stop telling otherwise competent adults to pack an umbrella, wear a jumper or visit the bathroom before they go out. With all the energy you save once you stop nannying everyone who comes into your orbit, you'll be able to do something really productive - like find a way to reverse the ageing process.
THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO ANOTHER ADULT
1. Are you sure you're going to be warm enough in that?
2. Don't stay out too late.
3. Don't drink too much.
4. Don't forget to say thank you.
5. Are you comfortable in those shoes?
6. Did you brush your teeth?
7. You need to comb your hair.
8. Have you got something to read while you're waiting?
DON'T BE NAMED BOB OR PAT
Or Pam or - God forbid - Dick. There's a whole generation of names that were popular in the Forties and Fifties - Karen and Donald, Barbara and Leonard - that you've got to avoid if you don't want to seem old.
Of course, you didn't choose your own name and you're pretty much stuck with it, unless you want to do something really radical and change it for one that sounds young: Josh or Jessica, if you want to go 30ish. The new trend in names seems to be to go gender-neutral with names like Jordan, Austin, Dane, and Finley.
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Here's what's happening at my house today:
Weather:
60 degrees yesterday, 66 degrees predicted today, only 41 degrees for tomorrow's high, and for the rest of the week, warming up to the 50s next Monday. Snow and rain predicted every day. The clouds are blowing in as I type this.
I have two hummingbirds coming to the feeder, and this cold weather is going to be a challenge for them. They'll do all right, but I'm sure glad I'm here to feed them.
The black line is the metal support for the feeder. I was in too much of a hurry to get this shot to frame it properly. It's like a Bigfoot sighting.
Here is my vegetable garden. The zucchini plants grew really fast there in the Las Vegas warmth and they are already blooming. By the time the last frost threat is over at the end of May I'll be harvesting squash from my dining room.
This is a different kind of zucchini from what I've planted before. There are a lot more blossoms and they are smaller. It's almost like a weed. I wonder if the fruit is going to be unusually small. I'm not sure how this precocious plant is going to transplant outside, so I planted some more seeds yesterday as a backup.