These are charming "quotes" by kids on how the world works. Some seem
almost too good to be true, or written by real-life kids.  However,  it never
ceases to amaze us the wise words that kids can say and if they aren't real
quotes, they definitely could be.

1. The curse of Christmas is that there are always people more
   generous than you. And there’s always one random — eg neighbour, friend
   of Mom’s — who’ll shame you with chocolates. Be prepared: hoard bottles
   of something you can claim to be your favourite wine. Make cards with
   your children. My daughter Cassady, 5, did one that depicted the
   Christmas fairy. (“She does not like sitting on Christmas trees because
   she gets needles in her pants.”) I’ll be giving those to everyone.




2. Obviously,
   you want to arrive early so as to bag rooms before your sister arrives,
   but don’t drive children in the daytime, or you’ll arrive stressed and
   covered in crumbs. Tell your sister you’re arriving on the 24th. Drive
   up on the night of the 23rd.




3. Bring earplugs, holly
   and manners. A good idea is to wash up immediately after arriving.
   Everyone will say: “Oh, no, you really shouldn’t.” For the rest of the
   visit, heed their advice. A good ruse is to be the one who befriends
   the aged relative. When in doubt, sit on the sofa and nod.




4. Beware
   — there may be enemy children about, and you must show you’re a good
   sport by engaging with them. The trick is to delay this as long as
   possible, or they will seek you out as their special friend. Wait till
   the last day, then make an impression by flying them round the living
   room. Make sure you don’t trip, though, or you’ll crash-land them onto
   Granny.




5. Just accept it: all moms are insane
   throughout Christmas. There’s little you can do. Peel potatoes. Keep
   smiling. Ply with drink.




6. Steel yourself for siblings. You’ve not talked in a year; suddenly, you’re sharing a lilo on the floor.




7. Keep
   your discipline. Last year, we visited the in-laws, who are restrained,
   ascetic people, who drink moderately and snack on brown organic
   apricots. My head felt like one of those apricots, after I’d stayed up
   till 3am enjoying a one-man party of booze, fags and Bourne films. I
   arrived in the kitchen at 8am. Sister was making a sauce. Mom was
   chopping onions while listening to a report on the Indonesian economy.
   There was nowhere to hide.




8. Go to bed early and don’t
   make festive innuendos such as “I’ve got to stuff the turkey”, or “I’d
   better get to bed. Later, I’m coming down the chimney”.




9. You’ll
   be under surveillance from moms determined that everyone should have
   fun. At all times wear a smile, a festive hat and the ugliest and most
   garish present you’ve been given.




10. Remember to enjoy
    yourself. If you don’t, someone will attack. ’Tis the season to be
    jolly. And if you can’t be jolly, get drunk.

Are All Moms Mad at Dad?

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BECAUSE: Mom's reasons for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the farthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar. CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables. COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name. COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone. DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR." EAR: A place where kids store dirt EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them. EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING." ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something. "EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children. EYE: The highly susceptible optic organ which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly-handled butter knife. FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM." FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be the day Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle. FULL NAME: What Mom calls her child when she's mad at him. GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself. GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. GUM: Adhesive for the hair. HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing. HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc. HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece. ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside. "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom. JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night. JEANS: Pants which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals. "JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?" JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids. JUNK: Dad's stuff. KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right. KISS: Mom medicine. LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so. LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents. LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mâché' volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard. LOSERS: See "KIDS' FRIENDS" MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp." MAYBE: No. MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa. "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something. MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops. PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom. PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after. PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing new shoes into it. PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing." REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactment of famous historic events. SCREAMING: Home P.A. system. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped perform two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom. SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel. SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces. SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds and even pneumonia. SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice. TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs." TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer. "THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS." TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks. TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done. UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident. UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH." VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too. VERBAL: When a toddler is able to whine in words. VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy." WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room. WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum. "WHEN YOU FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment. WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house. XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying. XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS." YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with. "YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!" ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.