The following is a list of revelations and perplexing questions that I have accumulated over the past 56 years of my existance.

 

Human pee weighs nothing. I know that THAT defies the laws of physics, but I really believe that it’s true. How else could you hop on a scale when you’re trying to lose weight and have it say…oh…189.4. Then, you stand in front of the toilet for at least fifteen minutes pissing out the four pints of beer that you just drank. THEN you hop back on the scale, and have it still say. 189.4?

Water weighs 8 pounds per gallon. Apparently, pee weighs nothing.

If God loves us so much, how did He ever let poison ivy and prickers slip by?

Just recently, I noticed a change in my favorite topics of conversation.  When I was younger, the preferred topics were girls and music. As I grew into my late twenties and thirties, those changed to kids, work, and married life. Now that I’m in my mid-fifties, for some strange reason I often find myself deeply and passionately involved in conversations about beer, sports and colonoscopies.

 

I was told this past week by three different women that I resemble three different celebrities. One said that I looked like Steve Martin. (Must be the white hair). Another one said that I reminded her of Harrison Ford. (Not bad!) The third one, and this is the one that bothers me, said I resembled Jonathan Harris. Who’s that? Well, if you must know, Jonathan Harris was that pinched-faced old fart who played Dr. Zachary Smith on the 1960’s TV series, Lost In Space! (I immediately discounted her opinion!!)

 

When you eat corn-on-the-cob, are you anal about it? I mean, I wonder if anybody else always has to hold the small end of the ear in his/her left hand when eating it, or is that just my latent Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder showing through again? (I swear the stuff tastes different if I eat it with the small end in my right hand!)

 

Why do you suppose it is that you can’t keep your eyes open when you sneeze?

 

How come women don’t appreciate The Three Stooges for being the comic geniuses that they were? (One of the best lines EVER uttered in the movies was spoken by Larry as he was about to be beaten to a pulp by Moe – “Moe! Moe! I’ve got a great explanation!...I’m sorry!”)

 

Do skunks possess the sense of smell?

 

How do porcupines mate?

 

Why is it that it is perfectly fine with the town officials if I let my horses poop and leave it out in the pastures, (They poop more than I WEIGH every day.), and yet I’ve got to spend $12,000 for a leaching field and a septic system for me to do it?

 

I truly dislike people who make it their life’s mission to tell you all the bad things about hot dogs when you’re trying to eat one…or two…or…

 

For some reason, it just doesn’t seem right that, after opening the jar, jelly has to be put in the refrigerator while peanut butter doesn’t.

 

How come honey never gets moldy? Same thing with Hostess Twinkies.