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Here is another article that I have just had published at Associated Content.com. Check out my site there at www.associatedcontent.com/user/745209/jim_hetrick.html.
Okay, look. I’ve got a college education, and I was an educator for many years. I’ve written novels, plays, short stories, magazine articles on a myriad of topics, and tons of poetry. Some people who know me seem to enjoy my company, (No. Seriously. Some people do.) and I can hold my own in discussions, debates and flat-out arguments on a wide range of subjects from The Effects of Global Warming to Why Do You Think Mel Gibson Is Acting Like a Bona Fide Jerk As Of Late?
What I am trying to say is that I am a fairly intelligent human being (which, some may argue, is an oxymoron). So then why am I unable to understand the modern woman’s appetite for food that I wouldn’t feed to a politician?
What am I talking about?
Look, I like vegetables as much as the next person, okay? But I really can’t get all that excited about salads. Sorry. It doesn’t happen. When was the last time you saw a guy go into a restaurant, open the menu, go past the steaks, pastas, ribs and fajitas, and order a salad?
I mean just a salad. Not a house salad to eat before the main entrée, but a salad to have as the main entrée! No meat in sight. Just green sh…stuff, with the exception of sun-dried tomatoes.
Sun-dried tomatoes…I REALLY fail to see the feminine infatuation with these withered, dehydrated little scraps of nothing. My wife would kill for these things. To me, they taste like… Well, when I was a kid, my mom used to give me a nickel to go into the candy store to get myself a treat. If they didn’t have candy cigarettes, I would buy these things called Nickel Sips. Nickel Sips consisted of about an ounce of colored sugar-water that was contained inside a very miniature wax replica of a soda bottle. (Yes, children. There was a time right after the Jurrasic Period, when soda like Coca-Cola was sold in thick, reusable green, glass bottles.) That’s what sun-dried tomatoes taste like to me…Not the sugar-water, but the wax. I used to chew the wax after I drank the sugar-water, and that wax may have had more flavor, now that I think about it, than the damned tomatoes in question. However, the texture and consistency of the two are identical.
Snow peas. Who cares?
Edible pea pods! Who comes up with this stuff?
Look, to me, a salad isn’t a salad unless it is saturated with a thick, cheesy dressing. If I order a salad, and I can actually taste the salad, I did something wrong.
None of this "drizzling". Nope. You need to slather the dressing on the green crap. Lettuce should be considered as nothing more than an edible vessel that gets the dressing from the salad plate to your mouth. That’s it.
My doctor told me that I should be eating more cereals. She said that a breakfast of hot or cold cereal could actually be good for me. Great, I’m thinking. Lucky Charms, Froot Loops, Sugar Pops (Notice how they don’t call them SUGAR Pops any more? Corn Pops" now), Frosted Flakes, (Again, somebody removed the SUGAR from the front of the name), Trix.
My wife had a different idea. She bought me some mulch that we'll call Mahatma Sashi's Golden Garbage. This seven-grain crap is probably made by some Tibetan vegan whose taste buds have all been destroyed by excessive use of curry.
I eat this stuff in the morning, and I don’t have to worry about working out for the rest of the day. My jaw is exhausted! I chew one spoonful for about thirty minutes, and then just give up and swallow everything whole.
I’ve been afraid to look at the ingredients list, but I’m sure it’s filled with things like oak leaves, twigs, pine needles and Brazil nut shells.
It’s like eating a bird’s nest.
It actually hurts to eat it.
There are two good things about this cereal though. With other cereals, if you pour the milk over it, the stuff wilts and gets soggy in about two minutes.
With this glop, you could pour the milk over it, leave it outside in a monsoon when you go to work, come home that evening, put the bowl in a steam room for two hours, ...and NOTHING CHANGES! It is still as brittle and disgusting as when you poured it fresh from the box!
The second advantage to this cereal is, if you don’t seal the package properly, and it gets stale, YOU NEVER KNOW! It tastes and feels just the same as it did before!
My wife loves this stuff. And SHE can’t understand why I don’t do back-flips over it!
I’d rather eat bird seed (Which, now that I think about it, could very well be one of the ingredients!)
I get so confused.
